A guy who knows a guy at Apple says he saw a guy who drove a guy to work who knows the kids of a guy who works with the guy who works next to the office of the guy who brings fresh ground coffee to the girl who puts water into the coffee-maker for the guy who brings the coffee and single, perfect bearclaw to Steve Jobs’ sub-assistant’s assistant who works next to Steve Jobs’ real assistant’s assistant who says he saw Steve Jobs floating (and this refutes Woz’s claim that Steve is really healthy) in a huge vat while attached to “cables and other stuff” who says his sister who knows the neighbors of the Jobs family who sometimes when there’s a full moon can see through the back window of the Jobs house where they say they saw Steve’s holographic representation playing Jenga by controlling a nubile Vietnamese woman named Hoa using a new iTablet/mental control rig told the Wall Street Journal that either Jobs or a robot shaped like Jobs will host the WWDC keynote on Monday.

Jobs, a survivor of pancreatic cancer, went on medical leave in January, and some investors had expressed doubt about the company’s statements that he would return this summer, the report said.