Your Long Wait For TechCrunch-Branded Paper Cups Is Over

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A parent company isn’t all that different from a real parent. They feed you, and give you money. They give you advice (sometimes more strictly than others). And, yes, they embarrass you.

Speaking of, today our proud parent company Aol, with vast experience in the retail, online retail, online business, has launched an online storefront for its brands, including TechCrunch. Welcome, dear readers, to the grand opening of the Aol store, where you can “Fly Your Aol Flag.” (Seriously, that’s the subject of the internal email we were sent about this. No joke!).

The store’s About Page is a gem, too:

The AOL Shop offers the most sought after, in-demand and useful products for you, your family your friends, your clients, those difficult people on your holiday shopping list and practically anyone else you can imagine.

We choose products based on quality, brand, environmental impact and, of course, our completely scientific Hipness Factor™. These items are not only rare, they’re coveted by folks that don’t have the kind of access to our private stock that you do. So go on. Fly your AOL flag. You may turn a few heads.

Hipness Factor™?

Some highlights from the store:

Screenshot 2014-07-25 14.10.29

I can’t decide what is less relevant: the journal or MapQuest?

Screenshot 2014-07-25 14.11.47

Adap.tv is huge with babies. So this makes sense.

Screenshot 2014-07-25 14.12.29

Until you scroll down and realize you need to buy 36 units of the onsie to check out. Polygamist cult leaders will swoon!

Screenshot 2014-07-25 14.14.18

TechCrunch, Disrupting Rain Since 2014

Screenshot 2014-07-25 14.16.30

Talk about going green, AMIRITE?

Screenshot 2014-07-25 14.20.58

Aol is offering so much value to its customers that it can’t even fit all of that value into the packaging.

embarrassed

Because this brightened our Friday in an unexpected way, we’re sharing the conversation directly from the TechCrunch internal message boards. Enjoy!

Andrew: Who wants TechCrunch Whisky Glasses and Baby Onesies?

Anthony: Oooh can we get them in NYC?

Ryan: ‘The AOL Shop offers the most sought after, in-demand and useful products for you, your family your friends, your clients, those difficult people on your holiday shopping list and practically anyone else you can imagine.

We choose products based on quality, brand, environmental impact and, of course, our completely scientific Hipness Factor™. These items are not only rare, they’re coveted by folks that don’t have the kind of access to our private stock that you do. So go on. Fly your AOL flag. You may turn a few heads.’
Ryan: Please someone BLAWG this

Greg: our entire store should just be that whiskey glass.

Matthew: http://store.aol.com/collections/techcrunch/products/techcrunch-eos-smooth-sphere-lip-balm < my daughter would be happy to eat this

Greg: http://store.aol.com/collections/techcrunch/products/techcrunch-paper-cups-1 FINALLY

Matt: @Greg, $.93 each

Matthew: Actually I like these green hoodies, these should be our team hoodie. http://store.aol.com/collections/techcrunch/products/techcrunch-zip-hoodie

Matthew: The way this stuff is photoshopped on, so good. http://store.aol.com/collections/techcrunch/products/techcrunch-titleist-dt-solo-golf-golf-balls

Matt: I would like one, please.
Matt: do we get a discount on this stuff?

Ryan: Just expense it

Matt: DONE

Matthew: Breaking: Your Long Wait For TechCrunch Branded Paper Cups Is Over: The Store: The Movie cc @Alexia

Ryan: It’ll be like when Jay-Z orders his own vodka at the club

Greg: minimum order on all this stuff is like 36 pieces. who is ordering 36 techcrunch jackets

Matt: this is the best http://store.aol.com/collections/techcrunch/products/techcrunch-applique-hoodie

Sarah: how long have we had a store?

Darrell: i’ll sign these for a kickback of $5 per
Darrell: personalized greeting of “nice baby” for this one, extra $10

http://store.aol.com/collections/techcrunch/products/tech-crunch-onesie

Matthew: Our hoodies will give you scoliosis http://store.aol.com/collections/techcrunch/products/techcrunch-zip-hoodie

Matt: please buy 72 water bottles http://store.aol.com/collections/techcrunch/products/copy-of-stylelist-75l-camelbak-eddy-water-bottle

Matt: at full retail

Ryan: Ok so who’s writing this? ‘Breaking: Your Long Wait For TechCrunch Branded Paper Cups Is Over:’

Matthew: @Greg The fact that they’re minimum order of 36 tells me these are supposed to be for sale TO AOL’s internal brands, not outside.

Natasha: Still waiting for the XS TC jacket Barto promised me last year. Starting to think its vapourwear

Frederic: http://store.aol.com/pages/about-this-store

Ryan: ‘We have chosen to stock a variety of AOL branded products that can be ordered in any quantity in a short time frame. For all other brands, the orders are custom and have a minimum quantity tied to them. We have done our best to select items that have a low minimum order and short lead times.’

Greg: 2013: Project Devil. 2014: Project Drinkstirrer

Sarah: this convo thread could be the whole post.

Ryan: GUYS: ‘our completely scientific Hipness Factor™

Travis: So….this store is open to all AOL employees. That means MapQuest and Cambio can get TechCrunch swag.

Sarah: No revenue, actually: “AOL does not make a profit from the items sold on the store.”

Matthew: then they are doing it very wrong
Matthew: My father in law does screen printing and embroidery (essentially all of this stuff) and these prices are insane.

Jordan: this is the best discovery of the century

Matthew: cost on a hoodie like this is about 6 bucks http://store.aol.com/collections/techcrunch/products/techcrunch-applique-hoodie

Sarah: @Matthew how fired is the person who blogs this? serious question.

Jordan: i will do this… it just feels right for me
Jordan: i won’t get fired tho right?

Matthew: @Sarah none fired

So, if you and 35 of your closest friends want to get together and purchase a host of hoodies, go for the TC one. Represent.