It was only two weeks ago that the Windows 7 Launch Party video cut a burning swath across the internet, leaving only scorched sensibilities and a feeling that you’d lost something fundamental never to be regained. We lied to ourselves then that it couldn’t be more than a blip on the radar, a PR pitch gone awry and furtively uploaded, unfit for human consumption as it was — a tainted morsel of the promotional meat grinder. And to be honest, I was ready to let it lie. But it wasn’t just a morsel. Little did we know, the Windows 7 launch sausage factory would be squeezing gristle into our inboxes regularly — and now they’ve gone and sent us party favors.
Behold the signs you’re to hang on your cursed abode when the dread night comes. Behold the guide to family-friendly entertainment (show your guests how to turn your party into a movie!). Nervous about being a host? I know Matt is. Maybe he should bone up on Microsoft trivia so he’ll be a hit at the party.
Whoever put this campaign together is the Tiger Woods of fail. It’s heinous! First, how did they expect people to do these parties? Without irony? No, that was never an option. Or rather, they removed it from the list of options we had as soon as they made that faux-earnest video. Second, and I know this was pretty much settled in the comments of the video post, but that video is a goddamn travesty of the first order. I just wanted to have that registered here, officially. Thirdly, who put this website together?
These are supposed to be signs that you print? Since when is it even possible to make a 379KB JPEG with such bad aliasing that the nerdy guy from the video gets crazy eyes? Let’s take a closer look at the printable PDF. Please click the following to see just how bad it is.
Who puts out official promo materials you’re supposed to print, at such low resolution that it’d be pixelated if I printed it out at 3×5″, let alone poster-size? And look at the Windows 7 logo! Nice white drop shadow you’ve got there!
But the nitpicking really isn’t necessary. The very concept of these “favors,” the very idea that you are supposed to take this thing seriously, is a harpoon to the very heart of humanity. I have nothing against Microsoft (except, of course, for this, now) but if this is their best attempt at fulfilling the needs of their customers at such a critical time as an operating system switch, it’s a catastrophic, grotesque, mind-boggling failure.