Apply Now: Peter Thiel is hiring a personal assistant

If you’re worried about the dissolution of western democracy as we know it, worry no more. There’s no safer place to be than by the side of Peter Thiel, the entrepreneurial scamp who will likely outlive us all in more ways than one!

Lucky for you, Thiel Capital just posted an open position for a personal assistant to the man himself. The job listing, available on LinkedIn, sounds suspiciously normal for the most part, but the unseen perks are really what you’re after here. Human growth hormone isn’t cheap (I know! I’ve looked!) and if the well-worn threads of the American experiment unspool in the coming months, you can retreat to the relative peace of Thiel’s Middle Earthen lakefront hideaway.

Still interested? Thought so. Here are the details:

Title: Personal Assistant to the President

Thiel Capital is looking for versatile, energetic, and proactive Personal Assistant to support its President, Peter Thiel. If you’re organized, enjoy juggling many different responsibilities at once, and thrive in a fast-paced and entrepreneurial environment, this is the role for you. The role requires a proactive, positive, can-do attitude with a special focus on internal customer service. Attention to detail, the ability to multitask without letting anything slip, a willingness to travel, and a focus on personal tasks are essential. You must exhibit a demonstrated ability to perform duties with a polished level of professionalism, tact, discretion, and judgement. While we expect a high level of accuracy, professionalism, and integrity, we also embrace light-heartedness, humor, and fun in our employees.

Benefits: This is a full-time position with a competitive compensation package, including comprehensive health, dental and vision care, 401(k) matching, cell phone service, and other potential benefits.

To demonstrate your fun-loving nature, you might want to have some jokes ready. Seasteading, everlasting life and secret dual citizenship are all good starting places, but don’t let us get in the way of your imagination. Still interested? I thought so. Here’s where it gets good.

Skills and responsibilities: 

Available 24/7 by cell phone and email

Available for extensive and last minute travel with our President

Organizing, stocking and managing our president’s closet and personal-care supplies

Handling medical logistical responsibilities

Tracking and reminding executive of family obligations

Packing, unpacking, and acting as a valet for President when he is traveling

Managing and arranging all personal appointments

Being pro-active and anticipating President’s needs and expectations

Demonstrate composure, tact, and flexibility, regardless of competing priorities

Ability to maintain the highest standard of confidentiality

A strong work ethic: “No task is too big or small”

Will join a team that includes an Executive Assistant, Travel Assistant, Estate Manager and Chief of Staff.

What are those personal care supplies? How do Trump and Thiel’s NDA boilerplates differ?Muscularly speaking, where is the least painful site to administer an HGH shot, or is the oral version just as potent these days?

But honestly, for dental, vision and a VIP spot in what is likely a very handsomely appointed nuclear fallout shelter, do you even care?