The Apple Tablet rumors the other blogs are afraid to publish

CrunchGear is, as you know, the internet’s primary nexus for trade secrets, corporation-breaking revelations, and the latest salacious home videos of tech CEOs (yes, Jen-Hsun Hwang, we have that one). Our power to elevate or crush giants in the industry is kept in check only by our unerring discretion — and by a set of laws, carved into amber slabs and venerated constantly in a hidden shrine deep beneath Mountain View.

But now and then our vast intelligence network brings in news of such inestimable importance that we must share it with our readers, no matter what empires it may topple. Apple’s event on the 27th is whipping the internet into a foaming frenzy, but I think you’ll agree that the rumors so far have been pretty tame. 3G? Front-facing camera? Aluminum casing? You people underestimate Apple’s dedication to bucking expectations. We’ve heard things that will curl your toes, and now, after much deliberation (and fortification of the shrine against the agents of Apple) we’ve decided to share some — not all — of these mind-blowing rumor-nuggets.

For instance, did you know that the Apple Tablet will not be constructed from aluminum, but from ostrich ivory?

Our sources, who are in a position close to the company (to be precise, in its air ducts), have confirmed this. And what’s more:

  • No battery; tablet is powered by an arc reactor (design: Tony Stark)
  • Antimicrobial gel secreted from home button
  • Touchscreen is actually on the back of the tablet; included mirror allows for easy operation (hot pants device)
  • Touchscreen touches you back
  • Motherboard actually contains a piece of the All-Spark
  • Tablet’s edge is keen enough to cut between worlds
  • Free Slap Chop with every Tablet purchase (limited time offer)
  • Revolutionary real-time Wozifying of adult content means your porn will be 100% more grizzly
  • Tablet is in fact two tablets (anti-tablet not guaranteed tangible)
  • OS is a heavily modified, touch-enabled version of NeXTSTEP
  • Tablet is afraid it can’t let you do that, Dave
  • For media playback, users will have a choice between: iTunes,
  • Tablet is so abhorrent to nature that the universe is sending bugs and build problems back in time to prevent its ever being released.
  • Tablet doubles as Telescreen. The black-turtlenecked face gazed down from every commanding corner. There was one on the house-front immediately opposite. THINK DIFFERENT, the caption said, while the dark eyes looked deep into the user’s own. Down at street level another tablet, cracked at one corner, flapped fitfully in the wind, alternately covering and uncovering the single word SOSUMI. (removed at request of Minifruit)
  • Tablet is actually just an iPhone from World 4 of SMB3
  • Tablet is about to die. Needs food badly
  • Tablet sparkles when exposed to sunlight (but doesn’t like it)
  • Tablets are the true source of the Spice
  • Tablet is the Kwisatz Haderach (unconfirmed)

All of this is told to you, reader, in strictest confidence. Tell no one.


And of course we’ll be liveblogging the event. We’ll be sure let you know first thing about the Slap Chop.

[Update: added unicorn]