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Review: A10 Cyclone (NSFW)

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So once you become a reviewer of Tenga Jars it seems you become the go-to guy for folks trying to sell Tenga Jars. I feel like Malcom’s dad in Breaking Bad. You get into something for noble reasons and you end up killing a dude in the desert after blowing up his headquarters with fulminated mercury. Anyway, please bear with me. Someone out there may need this information.

Drumroll please: Just in time for Valentine’s Day, I present my review of the A10 Cyclone.

So what is the A10 Cyclone? Think of it as a shoe cleaner for your weenus. This onahole has a series of brushes that rotate back and forth over the item in question. The brushes are made of washable silicone. Then there’s a USB cable.

Now before you get all excited, this USB cable connects to the R-1 controller and not your PC. That’s right. You need an add-on for your add-on. The controller makes the brushes spin in different ways – back and forth, fast around, slow. You can really treat yourself. There’s a quick turn-off feature for when the mailman comes. You will probably also need some of JList’s special lubricants. It’s like climbing Mt. Everest. Do you go unprepared? No.

Here’s my honest opinion: I personally didn’t like the sensation. It’s kind of all-encompassing and you get quickly overwhelmed. I mean seriously, people. This is a motorized tenga jar. We’re not talking butterfly kisses. You either like it or you don’t. If you can’t handle lots of stimulation at once, maybe stay away.

The thing that I’m most confused about, however, is the Japanese fascination with these things. I mean if you’re down with putting it into a robot, do it. By all means. But seriously: these things do nothing for the self-esteem. If you can’t shave, meet a nice lady, maybe go to dinner and a movie, and maybe go back to her place and do the horizontal bop, fine. But seriously: do you need this level of simulation in your onanism? Do you? You really have to make a production out of things when you use this. It’s like cooking yourself a gourmet meal – it’s fun, but wouldn’t you rather order some wings and drink a beer? You’ll at least get more done around the house instead of chopping shallots and braising pheasant.

This machine costs $80 and the R-1 (which actually comes with a little vibrating egg and looks like an iPod Mini) is $60. For my money I’d stick with a Tenga jar (a little less overwhelming) but you do what you feel, dude.

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