Hot news, everyone. I just received word from a reliable source deep within the confines of a Chinese brothel, that that our own John Biggs is making a 9.789-inch Apple Tablet in his basement. Now, you wouldn’t know that this random house in a quiet Brooklyn neighborhood is actually the home of a Apple design genius, but that’s what our source says, so it must be true. And all those random reports about Innolux and Cheng Uei Precision producing the Apple slate are just unfounded Internet rumors and should be ignored as such. What’s behind the jump here is the truth.

Our main man on the inside has actually seen the computer in question and states that Biggs has been working on the computer in between reviewing various sex toys and appearing on national TV that last few years. The computer is said to be remarkably robust, but yet underwhelming void of content like most of John’s other work projects. It’s just a bunch of smoke and mirrors, he said.

He also stated that the Apple tablet will hit the market with a $437 MSRP and bundled with a power adapter and a colorful quick-start guide either on March 11th, 2010 or sometime before 2017.

I tried to reach John for a comment, but he’s currently on one of his many European holidays and apparently staying somewhere out of the reach of the Internet. Hopefully I’ll be able to catch up with him next week at CES, but I’ll probably only have a chance for a quick talk. He’ll likely bail on the trade show early again like he did last year.