Today’s the first day of the rest of Microsoft’s life. Windows 7 is officially available. Nearly everyone loves the OS expect for one notable person: Fake Steve Jobs. Here’s part of what he has to say about the new OS.

Do you feel it in the air? That heaviness and oppression? The smell of sulfur? Yes, dear readers, the Beast of Redmond is unleashing yet another tangled mess of hell-spawned code into the world. We know it is evil. You know it. I know it. But millions do not. Millions, in fact, will race out to obtain this evil, and will pay for the privilege of making their horrible lives just a tiny bit more horrible. I weep for those people. I pray for their souls. I just woke up from a terrible dream, one in which I’m hanging from a cross and Bill Gates is on the cross next to me. I tell him I know why he’s here, but why am I? He says, Because you copied all my good ideas. That’s when I woke up — screaming.