Need to Ionize your water? Keep yourself safe from “raditations?” Find ghosts? Don’t buy the junk Wired looked at in order to test the validity of their claims.

The most interesting product, the KYK Genesis Water Ionizer, a $2,000 lump of nothing, is features a picture of Ed Begley Jr. as well as a bunch of writing in Korean. The results of the ionization experiment? A bunch of water in the kitchen.

The ionizer attaches to your kitchen sink to deliver alkalized drinking water, which theoretically makes your body inhospitable to illness. Well, that’s only if you can hook it up. I had trouble: After screwing in the new faucet head and pushing some buttons, the screen turned red and said “EO” while my tap sprayed liquid failure all over me and my kitchen.