The Back Burner: Things we didn't post this week

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Hey, You Condescending Jerk, No One Prints Emails Anyway

A big thank you to everybody for filling our tips at crunchgear dot com inbox with wonderful, unique, and newsworthy items. Here are five that we just couldn’t get to this week.

ENQUIRY

Hello,
I am Edmond Woods of Virgin Travel Agency,SCOTLAND.I need to make reservation for Two (2) of my client coming from London .

Check-in  Date :  2nd April,2008
Check-out  Date :17th April,2008

Number Of Rooms:2 ensuites (each for single occupancy)

Length of Stay:15 Nights.

Get back to me with the TOTAL COST (INCLUDING APPLICABLE TAXES)if the dates mentioned above are free,so that we can confirm reservations immediately with credit card.Your prompt response will be appreciated.

Regards,
Edmond Woods.
Virgin Travel Agency

CG RESPONDS:

Hi Edmund. Okay, where do your clients want to stay? They can stay at my place for — whoa, I take that back. I just noticed that they want to stay for 15 nights. That’s a pretty long stay, even for Scottish people (Scotch?). Maybe try Engadget or Gizmodo.

You are nominated for an Associates

Do you have the knowledge and the experience but lack the qualifications?

Start improving your life!

NO ONE is turned down.

15016346717

CG RESPONDS:

So am I’m nominated or what? How come I have to answer questions and go through some sort of approval process? Some nomination! I don’t even wanna know what happens if I win. Do you put me through some sort of spanking machine? Or a spanking machine simulator of some time that makes it feel like I’m getting spanked? What gives?

Loan Offer Apply Now

I am Mr.CHRIS. I give out loans to serious minded individuals.I give out my loan at 5% rate, Interested contact me via of .chrischanloanfirm02@gmail.com

                     AMOUNT NEEDED TO LOAaN:.
                       PURPOSE OF LOAN:.
                    DURATION OF LOAN:.
                      FULL NAMES:.
                       COUNTRY/STATE:.
                      TELEPHONE N U MBER:.
                       SEX:.

CG RESPONDS:

Question. How married are you to the idea of serious minded individuals? Only reason I ask is because the formatting of your e-mail looks like it was put together by an out-of-work clown going through withdrawal from some sort of opiate. I do like that there’s not a lot of paperwork involved for this loan, though.

Mr Laurie Zaleski

Hi,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. And let me start by para-phrasing the content of this message to your understanding, I work with Blackwater USA, a US Security Contractor in Iraq that provides security protection for American diplomats.

Two months ago my team carried out a raid in a Shiite militia stronghold south of Baghdad,Iranian-made weapons were among a large cache of arms and ammunition found during the operations and amount totaling US$35 Million in cash believed intended for use to purchase more arms or to finance the militia activities to frustrate US rebuilding of Iraq goals.

3 of the Senior officers in my team which includes me, have agreed and decided to keep this amount to ourself, reason why i have contacted you to assist us transfer this amount out of Iraq, and after our time in Iraq in some months time, we shall come for the sharing of the money.

We are willing to offer you the sum of US$3.5M (10% of the total sum) if you could assist us, we hope to hear from you soon in this regard.

Laurie Zaleski
Blackwater USA LLC
Baghdad, Iraq
Top of Form 1
&&&&&&&&&
Bottom of Form 1

CG RESPONDS:

Okay, lemme get this straight just so I understand. You’re a man but your first name is Laurie, Blackwater’s been under intense scrutiny by the media yet you pocketed $35 million, and you’ve left some sort of weird code at the bottom of your e-mail that looks like something you forgot to delete, you’re going to give me $3.5 million but you’re going to come to my house to collect the rest of the $35 million?

Sounds like a plan! Let’s light this candle. 

REGARDS

From: Mr.David Martins
Accra, Ghana.

Hello Dear
I got your contact during my search for a reliable,honest and a trust worth person to entrust this huge transfer project with My name is Mr.David Martins, Branch manager of a financial institution here in Ghana. I am a Ghanaian married with two kids.

I am writing to solicit your assistance in the transfer of $ 7,597.864.00 Million United States dollars only. This fund is the excess of what my branch in which am the manager made as profit during the 2005 financial year.

I have already submitted annual report for that year to my head office here in Accra Ghana as I have watched with keen interest as they will never know of this excess I have since, placed this amount of $ 7,597.864.00 Million United States dollars only to an Escrow Coded account without a beneficiary (anonymous) to avoid trace

As an officer of the bank, I cannot be directly connected to this money due to civil service code which formits civil servants from owing or operating foreign currency account coupled with the fact that the fund is huge thus I am impelled to request for your assistance to receive this money into your bank account on my behalf

I intend to part 30% of this fund to you while 70% shall be for me. I do need to stress that there are practically no risk involved in this. It’s going to be a bank-to-bank transfer. All I need from you is to stand as the original depositor of this fund so that the fund can be legally processed to your name and be transferred to your account.

If you accept this offer, I will appreciate your timely response to my private email: davidmartins1@hotmail.co.uk

With Regards,
Mr.David Martins

CG RESPONDS

Mr. David, I gotta be honest with you. The fact that you started your e-mail with “Hello Dear” is kinda unprofessional. Plus, it’s creepy. Just gonna level with you there. I mean, you’re trying to get me to help you pull some shady deal and you come out swinging with “Hello Dear” before diving into the meat of your pitch?

Come on. At least Mr. Laurie had the decency to just say “Hi” to start his weird e-mail.

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