JP Morgan has retracted Kevin Chang’s, statement about an iPhone Nano coming like in five days and it will have like so many cool things like maybe a phone that makes free phone calls to like your friends and that it will run on T-Mobile and have a cool file browser and let you put your own ringtones on it and it will have three screens, one on the top so you can see who’s calling and that it will be sold all over the world for $15 and that the service will be so fast that you’ll be able to download porn in seconds and you’ll be able to install any Windows or Mac app onto it and it will have free videos you can download and watch and it will be so cool that everyone at JP Morgan is already selling their Porsches so they can get their hands on like 5 million of them because the more you have in one room the more powerful the processor is because it uses like a cool mesh technology that makes it a supercomputer and he found out about it because he was at 31 Flavors and somebody was all like “I got an iPhone nano!” and Kevin was like “Wha!” and he called all his Chinese technology friends and they were all like, “Yeah, dude, seriously. iPhone Nano!” and Kevin was all like “OK! Gonna GET THE SCOOPS!” and he posted it on JP Morgan’s hot tech blog. It turns out all of that was false, and Kevin is sorry he even mentioned anything about it. He has summer hours today, however, so he’ll be gone at 3pm, so don’t call him. His tee-time is at four and then he’s going to the Hamptons until August.

JP Morgan retracts. Now says “No” to near term “Nano” iPhone [TUAW]