Pokémon Go has already taught me so much

I’ve been playing Pokémon Go for most of today because no force in heaven or on earth could stop me, and here are a few things that I’ve learned about the game, myself and life as a result.

  1. The new Pokémon professor is like real, real handsome but his shoes are terrible

    More like Prof. Dreamboat

  2. I don’t like to move very much or at all if possible


    Five is a lot of kms for those of you confused by the metric system

  3. I’m still cheaper than I am lazy because I haven’t yet bought any Pokécoins with real money


    You can’t buy your way to being the very best and retain your honor

  4. Pokémon music is very embarrassing played at max volume in public


    Use these instead

  5. Catching virtual Pidgeys against the backdrop of old, empty instant ramen bowls on your desk is dispiriting


    That’s actually an empty dog bowl. I totally don’t eat dog food though. Honest.

  6. If you chose any Pokémon other than Charmander we probably can’t be friends


    Objectively the best

  7. Catching Pokémon at a busy intersection definitely makes you look super weird


    People just managed to get out of frame when they spotted a wild beard (me) apparently taking a picture

  8. I will never be able to take your call because Pokémon drained my battery


    Yep, that’s three percent in five minutes

Pokémon Go is still only available on a limited basis worldwide, and it’s also clearly dealing with fervent interest in terms of server capacity, so I’m not going to dive into any kind of real review. But it is already core to my personal identity.