ThinkGeek’s USB Portal Sentry Turret Will Protect Your Desk, Cake

Chell is standing at the edge of an bottomless pit. She sighs deeply and stares longingly across the void to the immense energy shield. She hoped there is an exit over there. Exit is a funny term, she thought. Though an exit from this room, the door is also an entrance to another puzzle room.

Remembering the warning posters a few steps back, she recalled that falling into this pit would mean game over. Death. She doesn’t want death. Not yet. She was promised cake. And with cake, comes the meeting of this facility’s creator. Then she’d find death.

But first she has to get over this pit. There’s a platform hovering about 20 feet out. She can’t jump that far even if she hadn’t injured her leg two rooms back. But it’s easy enough. With a quick burst of her gun, she makes two portals and falls rather hard onto the platform. Her leg hurts a bit more now. Fan-fucking-tastic, she thought rubbing her calf. With two more bursts of her gun, including one fired at the bottom of the pit to get the right momentum, she soars over the huge energy shield.

The sentry powered up and announced in its feminine robotic voice;

*I see you. Preparing to dispense product.*

A trick. How could she be so careless. It must be my leg, thought Chell as she dived out of the range of the sentry turret. She couldn’t see it. But she knew it was there. Sentry turrets are snarky bastards. But that’s their downfall. If they didn’t talk,¬†she wouldn’t notice them most of the time.

*Are you still there,* called the turret in its squeaky voice.

Yeah, I’m here, thought Chell, nursing her sore leg.

*Are you still there*

Chell gathered her wits, looked around, and decided to make a go at it. Turrets in the past haven’t caused much of an issue. They’re just an inconvenience.

She darts out into the hallway and fires her gun in the general direction of the turret. Misses. The blast from the portal gun sails into the back wall.

*There you are.*

Chell closes her eyes. Sweet death is upon her. She knows it. It came too early. She should have looked before jumping. Maybe it was her bum leg. Who knows.

*I see you*


*There you are*

Huh, she thought. Maybe I did hit it.

The turret is talking but Chell is standing there, shoulders slumped in defeat but she’s still breathing. She’s not dead. Chell slowly starts to move down the lone hallway. The exit door is getting close. The turret is still talking to her.

*Preparing to dispense product*

She walks a bit closer and sees it.

There, standing in front of the exit door is a small turret. It can’t be more than 7.5-inches tall. It’s harmless besides its annoying voice. It doesn’t shoot anything. Chell notices it’s connected to an old Dell Latitude notebook via USB.

Chell smiles and it feels good. She hasn’t done that for many rooms. She doesn’t unplug the little toy but simply knocks it over with her shoe as she confidently walks the 10 feet to the exit door.

*Hey, hey, hey*

Startled, Chell turns around. Oh, she thought, it’s just mimicking what happens when a real turret falls overs. Cute.

*I don’t hate you*

Chell smiles again as she presses the button on the elevator to take her to the next room. Maybe I’m getting near the end, she thought. Maybe the cake will be in the next room.


In a distant room Blue is watching Chell’s progress on a wall of monitors. He feels satisfied with his little purchase from ThinkGeek– that is, as much as a robot can feel anything. The little prank went well. She smiled. The USB desktop turret only cost him $39.99 but it brought a bit of happiness to Chell’s existence. A good purchase.

Blue turns his attention back to the monitors. Chell is not going to make it out of the next room.