While I’m not usually one to start pissing matches with parties I was formerly unaware of, I’m proud to note that our inimitable Devin Coldewey has come to the attention of our former Colonial rulers and has made them quite angry. One Leon Bailey, a young man of some intelligence, I’m certain, commented on our five reasons you don’t want to break your new MacBook, noting our fanboyism and “how much more like Beelzebub Apple is than Microsoft has ever been.” Touche, young man. Your astute assessment of our internal lust for Apple’s products is accurate if not understated. I, for one, have copulated with the not very spacious U.S.B. port of the MacBook Air and that was only lunchtime.
What’s my concern, then? Not that young Leon finds it offensive that we warn you against breaking your MacBook, verily. While we consider the post a PSA at best, his intimation that our erotic love-making with the new MacBook’s ermine, glossy screen and the taste of its sweet monocoque was enough to drive us to write a trifle about what not to break on it is frankly insulting. We care about you, dear readers, and we know we all love the soft feel of aluminum between your thighs, the warmth of a battery on your abs, and the succinct tintinnabulation of the trash can as it deletes another “Just not right” Photobooth picture of you and your iPhone 3G. Unlike Portable Computer Machine and Tabulation Systems magazine – published by the strange little men who brought you Stuff and Maxim – we take all comers and are accepting of all predilections. I like to think we rise above the small minds that would place us in little boxes and, perhaps, we want to be in those boxes, especially if those boxes contain SuperDrives. But you, Mr. Bailey, have no right to bring our lumpen, swart lust out of the closet so ignominiously and without warning. Like the other newspapers and periodicals he and his British brothers produce – many unfit for human consumption, the Economist being a noted yet highly borderline exception – his efforts at unmasking us only show his own prejudice and I would only hope that, like a certain Prince Harry, he and his cohorts do not dress in naughty, historically inappropriate costumes and gaze turgidly at the wide expanses of Microsoft Vista. We do not drag your wizened heart through the mud, Mr. Bailey, and we kindly encourage you to refrain from the same.