Well, hello there. It’s that time of week again, you know you’ve been anxiously awaiting my column. Patience is a virtue, my nerdy friends, and what could be a better reward than my timely return?
This week I have a couple pop culture items to bring to your attention in an effort to upgrade your collective interesting-ness quotient for whatever girl might be striking your fancy.
A remarkable amount of news has come out of the Bayside High alumni this week, and in honor of the show that first and most notably featured mobile telephony, let’s briefly discuss Saved by the Bell. Having spent many a Saturday with the SBTB kids while screening the Caller ID on my Swatch phone for cute boys, I’ll always have a place in my heart for Screech, Zack, Slater and their ladies, Kelly, Lisa and Jessie. Oh, and I’ve also partied in Vegas with Mr. Belding. But that’s a story for another column…
What’s the news? Here you go:
It all started last Thursday, when the show’s token nerd, Screech, announced he’ll publish Behind the Bell, a tell-all book chronicling the show’s early nineties run. Radar has an intriguing excerpt. Sounds pretty adolescent innocence-shattering. Next, on Friday, Jessie Spano (Showgirls’ Elizabeth Berkley) announced a new reality TV show on MTV to promote self esteem for young girls. Philanthropy and a social conscience…always hot. But on the other hand, my god, does she have an awful website. Turn your volume down if anyone is in the vicinity. Finally, Monday brought news of A.C. Slater’s next endeavor, as host of ‘Extra,’ which comes as little surprise since he’s somehow become the busiest acid-washed jeans wearer in history.
So whether you’re a Zack, a Slater, or a Screech, let’s take a moment to acknowledge the most pressing question: where are you now?
In other news, a new viral marketing campaign by a middle-America retailer I had no idea still existed had me thinking about my fans this week. Dork Dodge is a little Internet game that offers you the chance to play a college girl passing through the dorm on the way to meet a hot date, while avoiding a variety of dorks who accost you along the way. Dodge the douchebags and you’ll make your way to your dream date waiting to walk you to class. Missteps can lead to them following you around, known around campus as “dork cling,” and if you’re late or if Mr. Wonderful catches you with Dexter, Tad the personal trainer, or MC Sweatband, he’ll bail. When I got past the initial disappointment that a red-haired avatar wasn’t available, the game was cute and fun, and some of the dorks were even cuter.
It got me to thinking: how can I help prevent you gentlemen from perpetuating “dork cling” by providing the tools to tell the difference between a girl who’s playing hard to get and one that wants you to get lost? I’m going to bet you could probably use a few tips.
Scenario 1: It’s going to be a good night.
If you find yourself thinking: “Wait, I know this feeling, I’ve done this before…This is an actual two-sided conversation,” chances are, things are going well. A relatively even distribution of the dialogue in which each participant’s comments are directly responsive to the other’s means you’ve probably done good. Bonus: she laughs. Sounds simple, but you’d be surprised how many persistent losers think an eye-averted shrug is an invitation to continue yapping.
Scenario 2: Big fat maybe:
Let’s be clear, girls will generally allow you to do something nice for them, such as buy them a drink. If she continues to loiter once the vodka soda is in her hand (alternatively, when the tutoring session is over, you’ve provided directions, whatever), your chances have significantly improved. Now, just don’t say anything stupid.
Scenario 3: Unquestionable no:
Lily Allen has a genius song that is essentially a grip of replies to advances that you can be pretty certain will lead you nowhere fast. Examples such as “My house is on fire,” “I have syphilis,” and “I’m having a baby in six months,” should be treated as immediate evidence that you’ve struck out irreparably. Now scram.
Here’s hoping your weekend is filled with the first scenario, and until next week…You know you love me.
xoxo,
CG
PS- You can follow me on Twitter now.
