If you haven’t been to the Apple Store in the Chandler Fashion Center in Chandler, Arizona, then you’re truly missing something. In Chandler, Arizona, Apple Store employees are actually half-elves, the off-spring of a band of roving female ninjas and heroic wood elves who, over thousands of years, have formed a desert community of powerful wizard-warriors who had access to the Touch before everyone in the entire world. Vincent over at SlashGear was able to penetrate their sandy fortress and, after slaying the vile Express Director Pants and the GAP Skinny Jeans on the long road from downtown Chandler to the Applebee’s next to the Taco Bell and losing most of his raiding party in the process (including his trusty sidekick Hamwise) returned to the Halls of the Elf Princess to claim his prize: a 16GB iPod Touch.