Elon Musk says he is actually going to fight Mark Zuckerberg; please forgive me

Elon Musk says his fight with Mark Zuckerberg is definitely happening, and I’m so, so sorry I have to write these words and present them in this article. To pull back the curtain, every time Musk does something asinine and moronic, we in the media wrestle with the anguish of whether or not we actually have to write about this stupid shit – and the unfortunate answer, a lot of the time, ends up being ‘yes.’

That’s the case now, since Musk used the platform he now calls ‘X’ against all better judgment and common sense, which was once a successful social network called Twitter, to announce that the fight is on and provide some details. In case you’ve somehow been blissfully unaware of this whole frustratingly stupid saga, Musk and Zuckerberg have been playing out an extended ‘will-they-or-won’t-they’ with the notion that they’ll MMA fight each other for no reason other than that masculine identity is truly in some kind of significant crisis tied to the horrors of late-stage capitalism.

Musk’s updates include the the fight will “be managed by [his] and Zuck’s foundations” rather than the UFC, and that the whole thing will be filmed in a setting in which “nothing modern at all” will appear. Musk previously suggested the ancient Roman Coliseum as a venue, and in this series of tweets he said that he’s already agreed to the venue with Italy’s PM and also the country’s Ministry of Culture, and that all have settled on an “epic location.”

Perhaps to reassure critics concerned with cultural heritage, Musk adds that “everything done will pay respect to the past and present of Italy,” which is impossible on its face based on what we already know so that’s one definite lie he’s telling here. The rest could also be lies, because one of the world’s most powerful people has a childlike grasp of humor and the scruples and impulsivity of a teen 4chan poster. Musk also adds that “all proceeds go to veterans,” which is really the only part of this that suggests to me this isn’t an epic troll, since bullshitting about something like that feels like a line even Musk’s extremely underdeveloped moral compass wouldn’t cross.

Musk also followed all of this up with a Latin quote from Horace that basically translates to “it is delightful to play the fool occasionally; it is nice to throw aside one’s dignity and relax at the proper time,” which could indicate that he’s saying it’s good to do dumb shit like fight other billionaires for funsies sometimes, or could mean he’s full of shit. Either way, this is an ongoing public interaction between two men who each individually have the economic power to significantly alter the path of human development, so, sadly, it’s worth noting.

Update 08/11/23: Over on his own once popular, now flagging social network, Mark Zuckerberg says that he hasn’t agreed to anything Elon is throwing out there re: their supposed fight – though he of course includes an assertion that he’s ready to throw down bc that’s probably what’s required by his flawed perception of masculinity.