It’s not every day that an opportunity like this comes around.
After working at Twitter for years, I’m finally being asked to do more with less. I’ve always wanted fewer co-workers, a manic boss, reduced communication and nonstop chaos. And if I do well, I’ll help save the richest person alive both money and pride! Can you imagine a better offer?
Let me explain. You see, there’s a man called Elon Musk. He’s very involved in a bunch of projects and doesn’t like to work in any single office. Heck, Elon doesn’t even work for just one company! He’s in charge of a bevy of concerns that keep him rather occupied. You can even track his jet as he flies about, busy as a bee. (It makes perfect sense that the leader should not have to work in an office while I am required to report to my cubicle daily — after all, the wealthy are our moral superiors!)
But after he corralled a host of rich folks to invest and underwrite his hostile takeover of Twitter, things got sticky for poor Elon. He’s a big tweeter, you see, and before he owned the website, he could post whatever he wanted and get away with it. Remember that time he tweeted that he had the capital to take Tesla private? That was a tiny error, but Elon is still in charge of Tesla, collecting the lion’s share of the wealth on the backs of others. So it all came out fine!
Back to Twitter, Inc. Recently, Elon sent out a note to its remaining staff, asking them to recommit to his entire effort. I am not supposed to share the missive, so here’s The Washington Post. (Which, I’d love to point out, is also owned by a billionaire! And people still work there! So it’s cool, right?):
Employees were told they had to sign a pledge to stay on with the company. “If you are sure that you want to be part of the new Twitter, please click yes on the link below,” read the email to all staff, which linked to an online form.
Anyone who did not sign the pledge by 5 p.m. Eastern time Thursday was told they would receive three months of severance pay, the message said.
In the midnight email, which was obtained by The Washington Post, Musk said Twitter “will need to be extremely hardcore” going forward. “This will mean working long hours at high intensity,” he said. “Only exceptional performance will constitute a passing grade.”
This is reasonable. All employee communications should be a blend of threats and demands for more of the proletariat’s lives for no apparent bump in compensation. More for the company, less for you. That’s capitalism, baby!
A lot of folks are talking on Twitter about how this is just how startups operate. You put in long hours and later, you get some sort of payout. The only difference, in this case, is that I’m being asked to work longer hours so that Elon can have a payout. Or at least lose less money?
Heck, who could say no? I wake up every day and think to myself, “It would be a shame if Saudi Arabia, now one of a handful of non-Elon major shareholders in Twitter, lost money!” We must defend both theocratic monarchies replete with billionaires and regular billionaires, right?
If not us, who?
Some folks are saying that Twitter is not a startup and so the “grind hard for a big win” doesn’t apply. Balderdash. Of course it does. Twitter is just like any other startup! It even has centralized ownership and uncertain product-market fit! Hell, Twitter even has larger rivals with more resources! What could be more startup-like?
Yes, yes, I can hear you say that Twitter was until recently a multi-billion-dollar public company with thousands of employees and a history of positive operating cash flow, but what startup doesn’t have those elements? C’mon!
Anyway, all this is to say that I cannot wait to sign up for Hardcore Twitter (not included in Twitter Blue!) so that I can break my spirit and a billionaire who made a business whoopsie can save face.
Put me in, coach! I volunteer as tribute!