Pre-recorded Apple presentations are always a bit strange. These heavily produced performances feature Apple executives telling us about their newest products as they dash across scenic deserts or board strange, nonexistent subways.
Today’s presentation felt even stranger, though, perhaps because it was kicked off with a long Apple Watch ad that basically sent the message of, “If you don’t buy this, you will die of a heart attack.” We also saw some action on the always-controversial notch, plus some subtle allusions to Roe v. Wade as Apple added new menstrual health tracking to its Apple Watch.
Of course, this hubbub means that jaded tech types made some snarky jokes on Twitter. I laughed at a lot of them. Here are some tweets for your viewing pleasure.
Apple is so dramatic
Yesterday, former One Direction member Harry Styles described why he enjoys his upcoming film, “Don’t Worry Darling.” He said, “My favorite thing about the movie is, like, it feels like a movie.”
Styles got a lot of flack for this innocuous quote, but I get it. My favorite thing about Apple events is that they feel like Apple events. These graphics are so over-the-top beautiful that they almost make you forget about their ongoing mission to prevent their retail workers from unionizing. This was especially true today, when so much of the event centered around how you can wear the Apple Watch Ultra while scuba-diving, ultra-marathon running, climbing Mount Everest, etc.
The “Dynamic Island”
Apple branded its notch replacement — a pill-shaped cutout — as the “dynamic island.” Apple users seem divided about whether or not this is a good alternative to the notch. I’m personally a fan, but others will not stand for anything less than a bona fide full-screen experience. Everyone seems to agree, though, that “dynamic island” is a very silly name. Our hardware editor Brian Heater, who attended today’s event in person, told us that the audience actually laughed at the name when it was announced.
I wrote about the dynamic island, only to get ratio-ed by a TechCrunch reader. To be fair, this response was pretty funny. I’m keeping an eye on you, Joseph.
The Apple Watch Ultra is a bit too extreme
The introductory video to today’s hour-plus presentation included a teenage boy fearing for his life while a bear walked around his kitchen, only for his Apple Watch to save the day. It was weird. But as Apple introduced its extra-hardy Apple Watch Ultra, designed for use during extreme sports, things got weirder.
Then, Apple introduced satellite SOS, which helps you get to safety if you face an emergency while off-grid. It’s a very useful feature and a clever application of the technology — but after too many mentions of bear attacks and scuba diving, it felt ominous.
We’re all tired of the lightning cable
The European Union is making legislative moves to require that all smartphones use a common USB-C charger by fall 2024. Some USB-C devotees got their hopes up, wondering if this meant that the iPhone 14 would finally get rid of the lightning cable in exchange for a USB-C port. It makes sense — iPads and MacBooks alike are running on USB-C chargers, and as Haje wrote in an impassioned blog post, “pretty much everything that isn’t an iPhone, an Apple Keyboard, or AirPods is running on USB-C these days.” Unfortunately, Apple didn’t make the big leap today.
In any case, if you want an actual recap on what you missed at today’s event, check out Greg’s roundup.