Are you a celebrity who’s sexually harassed a bunch of people and are now in need of an apology to subdue an angry mob? Look no further than the Celebrity Perv Apology Generator.
The desktop app packages all the usual elements of several recent non-apologies that have come up when other fellow perverts’ dark pasts have come to light. In what might be described as a more honest approach, you’ll get the dodge, blame others or suggest how normal this is, as in just “locker room talk,” say you feel bad without admitting anything and a nice tie-up to help you escape the blame all in one easy-to-read paragraph.
Take this randomly generated apology, for example:
As someone who grew up in a different era, I feel tremendously guilty now that the things I did have been made public. I was intoxicated at the time, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will not change anything about my actions or behavior.
Another good one:
As the father of daughters, harassment is completely unacceptable — especially when people find out about it. It was simply boys locker room talk, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will wait 2-3 years before reappearing in film and TV and just sort of hope you all forget about this.
It seems we hear daily now of men in prominent positions who have been caught. In just the last week Al Franken, Charlie Rose and Glenn Thrush have joined a growing list of men who’ve been accused of committing terrible acts of sexual harassment.
While some men do seem to be sincerely sorrowfulness over their actions, many others turn time and again to these hollow and so-called apology tactics. Now you don’t even have to think up for yourself how to give one of these non-apologies. You’ll have one at the ready — when your time surely comes — to pretend like there’s nothing wrong with what you did to the people who looked up to you, trusted you and relied on you for connections, careers and livelihoods.