Greetings, Earthling. I come bearing glad tidings of the Hyetis Crossbow, a smartwatch with built-in mechanical movement and a 41-megapixel “life camera” designed to record your every motion and emotion. The watch comes to you from the Deepest Corners Of Outer Space where it was (most probably) hatched from the egg of a cyborg lifeform. It costs one thousand and two hundred of your so-called “Earth Dollars.” We have written “Swiss Made” on the back to fool your puny minds.
Designed by those who brought you AK Geneve, another space-themed watch line, the Crossbow has a very small, 12mm mechanical movement built-in alongside a number of smartwatch features including accelerometers, an altimeter, Bluetooth, WiFi, NFC, and GPS – all of the primitive technologies you ape men still use on your horrid planet. It has two batteries built in so you can record your entire brutish life using the built-in camera.
It also has biometric sensors because, as we well know, you humans still pump liquids through your meatsacks. It will ship in December 2013 and the creator, one Arny Kapshitzer, promises that if anything changes in the feature line-up those who pre-order the watch will be notified. It is, to be clear, very expensive. This we cannot explain.
So please consider the purchase of the Crossbow. It is far more intelligent than you, to be sure, and, if you wear one, we Andromedans will not enslave you as our pack animals on the gas mines of Xarxis 7. Those who own a Crossbow will instead be used as our pets on our home planet of Zorb and be given leave to mate – under close supervision and with a great deal of genetic control – to maintain the propagation of your ridiculous species. At $1,200, this is a bargain.