CES attendee, I’m glad you’re here. You’re going to see the latest and greatest gadgets. Just like you did last year. You have clearly noticed that you’ll always find the latest gadgets at CES.

It’s here because it matters. Such gadgets do get released. They are not always figments of some marketing wizard’s imagination. You have seen the press releases. Most note prices and release dates. There are demands for new, even niche products.

Look at the fucking brochures and and the fucking beautiful product renders. Watch the videos. You’ll see the future. You might even cry. Grab some Netgear swag and wipe away the tears. They’ll even give you two.

Let’s not talk about the food. It’s always undercooked. Sometimes not cooked at all. It’s not healthy. Grab a Clif Bar. You also need some electrolytes. Get a Red Bull. Crush a couple in one keynote. Go to that thing at night.

Come to see Vegas. You’ll see the city’s moral grime clogged up with an extra 200,000 of your least favorite types of people. You’ll love all the bullshit talk. Don’t avoid eye-contact with people. It’s not a cesspool. You won’t get SARS.

Come see the latest Ultrabooks. You know what the hell it is. It’s not like a netbook but it does have a totally mono tubular word affixed to the front. I don’t know what Megabook is.

You can probably get some hands-on time with the Vizio 5-inch, 1080p phone. You’re not a NBA player. You don’t want to live in China.

Everyone has a 6-inch phone. Yeah, someone will probably one-up them with a 7-inch phone and it will be done. Yes, I like looking like an asshole. I would rock a 27-inch phone.

I’ve never heard of LiveViewGPS but I hear it could transform your cell phone into a location device with the world’s first prepaid mobile phone locate card. Yep, that gives me a tech boner.

Here’s the Alcatel One Touch Idol Ultra. Who cares if it’s the slimmest phone. There will be a slimmer one tomorrow from a company that you’ve never heard of (and that’s awesome). I suck at Letterpress. It can run Plume, a great twitter app.

*Pinch* Wake up! CES can be pretty tiring.

The Acer Iconia B1 is the best tablet that $130 can buy. It’s really $129.99. But really, save your money and buy something you’ll actually use. Come to our party tonight! We have ice luges. But I hear CNET has two ice luges.

Ballistic just unveiled the new Aspire Series for the iPhone 5. I hear it’s stunning and pocket-able. It offers repeated drop protection by combining a soft rubber interior and corner bumpers with a hard plastic exterior. There isn’t an Apple booth: CES is about innovation, after all.

No, you’re headline probably isn’t going to make Techmeme but The Verge’s will. Don’t worry about that one either. Don’t spec dump. No one clicks on those anyway. No liveblogs — unless you’re Engadget.

Speaking of cesspools.

You can’t afford the 4K TVs. Don’t sell your kidneys for one either. I’ve tried to sell my kids. Yes, there will be content available for 4K TVs this year. Real content, too. Not a beautiful fucking picture of New York City in the springtime. We saw that last year.

It smells like urine here. It’s smell-o-vision. I haven’t seen the new golden shower-scented mechanical cigarette but it’s probably in North Hall. You won’t be pissed if you didn’t see the latest thing from Huawei.

No, you hadn’t mentioned Huawei yet, MG. And yes, you know what Huawei makes. They make thingys. They don’t make sunshine. Yes, you should care.

LG executives probably weren’t hundled in a corner prior to their 8:00am press conference praying that Apple no longer exists since because while their company might not be as popular as Apple, it still saw 48 billion in revenue in 2011 from selling hundreds of millions of gadgets, HDTVs, and appliances.

Intel announced the follow-up to its current mobile chipsets. It will make for thinner Windows 8 tablets. You know what they say about guys that punch other guys in the face, right?

We haven’t stopped drinking yet. 7. And yeah, your followers don’t give a shit about whatever NEC just birthed on stage. Everyone cares about battery indicators.

Wash your hands. A lot. I’ve never seen a doctor here. Vizio’s new smart TV with super HD has apps, but no doctor app. I need Visine right now; it’s dry here.

Not everyone here has an iPhone. Or a MacBook Air. Or an iPad. (I do, though.)

Everyone here is a tech blogger and everyone reads everyone else. It’s a incestuous industry. I still have a soul. Apple bought yours.

Wish you were here.

[Just in case it’s not clear, this post is a rip-off of MG’s funny and accurate take on CES done which itself was a homage. The format seemed perfect to remind MG he has never been to CES.]