EXCLUSIVE: Area Woman Reads Newspaper

While we usually bring you photos of the iPhone 5 or Google Glass spotted in the wild, I’ve seen something much more rare.

This morning, I saw a woman reading words on printed paper.

This is the most disruptive thing since Dalton Caldwell’s last bowel movement.

I saw her a few rows ahead of me and was shocked. She was reading this incredibly thin paper that seemed to offer both informative and entertaining content. From what I could see, the paper had obituaries, local news, even comic strips!

I immediately conducted a highly scientific survey of my train neighbors and saw three people on iPhones, two on iPads and two on Macbooks. Two were sleeping—I think. One actually might have been dead.

[Trolls, you can’t get mad that I only saw Apple products BECAUSE IT’S SCIENCE.]

But this maverick was flaunting her paper like nobody’s business. Can you imagine all the applications for this that we haven’t thought of?

Finally, I can read weather and local sports scores in the bathtub with no fear of electrocution from dropping my 17 inch Macbook Pro.

If we all read our news on these printed products, which would obviously be delayed from Internet and TV news, we wouldn’t have to worry about having the Olympics spoiled for us. Since when did Breaking News become so great anyway?

And the fun wouldn’t stop once you’re done reading the words. Think about all the paper mache you’re missing out on—boom! Newspaper to the rescue. Out of toilet paper in your apartment? Family Circus has got ya covered. You could even ball up the pages with your cubicle mates and have summer snowball fights.


Point of sale: much better than the Apple Store.

Competition? I don’t know…Gutenberg? No one currently in the market prints words on paper and distributes it.

Monetization? Child please—these papers will have more targeted ads than Facebook. Imagine, a whole targeted ads section where anyone can buy space and offer to exchange goods or services for money. Some people might even be willing to pay subscriptions for premium versions!

Mobile? Uh, hello? Anybody home? Think McFly! The whole thing is mobile. Carry this with you anywhere it folds right up…Web 12.0, bitches.

If Dorsey can have a deal with Starbucks, why can’t we? Pay with Square, read with Newspaper! Every Starbucks: overpriced coffee and underappreciated newspaper. Classic combo.

All right, that’s my pitch. Now I need some cash. Raise your hand if you invested in Groupon

Update: Many readers have informed me that they, in fact, have seen another person reading a newspaper in their lifetime. I know. I’m as shocked as you are. I’ve reached out to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer and Rocky Mountain News for comment about their print operations and I’ll keep you posted.