I’m Quitting Breathing

Earlier today, I had an amazing realisation: I spend at least half my day breathing in. The other half I spend breathing out. Combined, I spend literally my entire life breathing.


From today I am quitting breathing. No more will my lungs be constantly tied up with the intake of oxygen and the removal of carbon dioxide. In one bold step I will be free from the oppressive yoke of gaseous exchange.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: if I quit breathing cold turkey, won’t my blood quickly fill up with unwanted carbon dioxide? Perhaps. I’m sure at some points over the coming weeks I’ll need to take the occasional inward or outward breaths, to deal with emergency situations or to avoid asphyxia. But, generally speaking, I’m done.

I have a feeling, for the next two minutes at least, my productivity is going to go through the roof. After that, who can say? I’ll post the results here on TechCrunch.