If you’ve been following TechCrunch and the tech press at large in the weeks since Groupon filed its S-1, you’ve probably come across quite a few articles criticizing the company. Groupon may, according to various posts, violate consumer protection laws, implode, get pwned in China, and lead to bouts of temporary insanity over the coming months. Booo!
You may have also noticed that Groupon hasn’t done a whole lot to denounce any of these claims (they still haven’t gotten back to me on whether the service causes numbness in the toes). And for good reason: the company is currently in a ‘Quiet Period’ mandated by the SEC, during which there are restrictions on what it can say in public statements. But that doesn’t mean they can’t fight back, just a little.
Today in a post on its official blog, Groupon’s spokescat (appropriately named Groupon the Cat) has penned a witty rebuttal outlining the “hazing ritiuals” companies must go through en route to their IPOs. Some of the main points:
- Wait until the company is sleeping to smear scream-activated bees on its face. Lesson Learned: Don’t believe your company’s own “buzz.”
- Photoshop the company’s logo to appear to be shaking hands with James Buchanan, America’s worst president. Lesson Learned: Everything you see or read about a company is true, if it’s on a computer.
- Use the company’s cell phone to text a vote for the new M&M’s color to be a sickly ashen gray. Lesson Learned: Customers aren’t capable of making their own decisions.
- Kick sand in the company’s face. Lesson Learned: If the company survives, it’s time to move on to sand’s close relative, powdered glass.
- Write disparaging articles about the company. Lesson Learned: That’s what they get for trying to be a company.