iPad? What were they thinking?!

The iPad? What were they thinking? Didn’t they consider the implications of people mocking the name? “How will Twitter react?” Doesn’t Apple have a social media ninja on its payroll?

It’s a pesky vowel, “A.” Yes, it’s the first letter of the English alphabet, but it’s nowhere near as popular as the letter “E.” Maybe that’s it? Maybe they should have called it “iPed.”

Check with Twitter, call moot. Can “iPed” be mocked?

Ped, ped… Pedestal? Pedestals are fun. You put people on pedestals when you think they can do no wrong. Sounds perfect for Apple. They can do no wrong. Well, except for naming it “iPad.” That was obviously a horrible, horrible mistake.

Let’s try another vowel. How about “I”? “I” is good. It’s the first-person pronoun for me. I like me. (Who doesn’t? Oh, right: you.) But “iPid”? That sounds rubbish. Who makes that, Microsoft? Yeah, probably.

“iPud”? Now we’re talking. No! No, we can’t. P-U? That means it stinks. “I p-yood.” Can’t have people thinking the big iPod touch stinks. (It does stink, but that’s besides the point.) Not helpful. Go away, “iPud.”

Wait, idea! Maybe use “iPod” again? People liked the iPod until that home-wrecker, the iPhone, came and stole its heat. (“Heat” is a pro-wrestling term that means “popularity.”) Put two dots above the “O,” like they do in Fränce, and no one will know the difference. It plays music, right? (I honestly don’t know. All I know is that it’s a magical and revolutionary device that will change the game and that it will innovate markets and shift paradigms for the foreseeable future. Well, until the iPad S comes out.)

Clearly, though, it needs the name “i-Something.” “i-Things” sell well. Remember the Apple TV? Of course you don’t: none of you own one.

And what’s wrong with “iPad,” by the way? I mean, ignoring the fact that Fujistsu owns the rights to the name. It’s a perfectly good name made up of four perfectly good letters. Two vowels, two consonents. Anything more than that and you’ll start confusing people.

“Big iPod touch” just doesn’t roll of the tongue as nicely as “iPad.” Yes, that’s a much more descriptive name, but that’s not the point, now is it?

What else could they have called it? “Huge disappointment”? “Over-Hyped”? “ROFL, That’s It?” No, none of these will do. Not snazzy enough. Plus, too many letters—look at all those vowels.