I'm sorry, but we have to ban music. That's just the way it is.


It has come to my attention that the music industry now wants royalties for those 30-second clips of music you hear in iTunes. That, I think you’ll agree, is bullshit. Seeing as how we’re a solution-oriented blog here at CrunchGear, I want to offer a completely fool-proof way to save the music industry and put an end to the years and years of nonsense we’ve seen since Napster was first released: let’s ban music. That’s right, let’s pass a law that says “the creation or performance of music, in any form, is hereby banned. Any violation of this law will be punishable by death.” Problem solved, let’s all play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

It’s clear that there’s at least two sides to this argument: one, people who think music should be free, and that includes bands that give their music away or sell it for mad cheap, and kids who have grown up with Kazaa and BitTorrent; and two, people who demand to be paid for their work, which includes organizations like the RIAA and musicians like Lily Allen.

I say screw all of them. You like being paid for music? Too bad, it’s banned. Go work at the post office. You think you’re being altruistic by releasing a few songs for free? Too bad, it’s banned. Since both you guys can’t agree on whether or not you think it’s a good idea to sue a single mother for more money than she’ll ever see in her life let’s shut the whole damn industry down.

All music radio stations will be scuttled, and we’ll mine the Sirius XM satellites for the useful metals they contain. Instrument stores will be transformed into Chuck E. Cheese’s or Discovery Zones. All music gadgets—iPod, Zune, you name it—will be placed on a boat and sunken halfway into the ocean.

Anyone caught humming a tune or whistling melodically will be thrown into the nearest state prison. (That’s right, state prison, not the country clubs known as federal prison.)

This is the punishment for 10 years of the RIAA, its dunderhead henchmen and mollycoddled musicians. It pains me to do this, but it really does seem like these stupid issues will never go away. So it’s gone. Music is gone. Now nobody has to worry about “piracy” or “marketing” or any of that garbage. We’ll be a society completely devoid of music. No more lawsuits, no more rootkits, no more nothing.

It’s a perfect world. There’s no piracy, there’s no sons-of-bitches illegally listening to unauthorized 30-second sound clips—think of the lost revenue!—and no reason to sue single mothers because their dumb kids downloaded three Britney Spears songs in 2001.

You will all receive letters in the mail detailing our plans to ban music forever. I look forward to your cooperation, and I look forward to huge consultancy check from the RIAA. I literally just solved all its problems; pay me.