I’m not sure where to even begin. In the months leading up to G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, I made the decision to avoid all trailers for the movie and opt out of all hands on demos of the game. I knew the movie was going to suck, but I had a glimmer of hope that the game might actually turn out OK. Turns out I was wrong. The only Hasbro-licensed video game worth a damn this year is Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Why EA and Hasbro even bothered to release this piece is beyond my comprehension. Tie-ins are plenty these days and make sense, but this was downright atrocious.
Oh, you’re still here?
Really?
All right then – it’s not like I didn’t warn you.
In a feeble attempt at recreating something mildly reminiscent of 3D Contra, Joe falls flat on its face before the first mission even begins.
A poor storyline is never really ever necessary if the gameplay melts your face off, but Joe has nothing to offer in either department. The voice-overs make me want to rip my ears off, but EA felt some pity for us and allows you to skip ahead.
A typical mission goes a little something like this: shoot bad guys, save a trapped Joe. When you rescue said Joe, they make some asinine fist-pumping move as if they’ve been transported to a nightclub and given a license to be a douche and pop their collar (and wear sunglasses at night).
Joe would have been marginally better if the camera system worked at all, which it doesn’t. There’s zero control over the camera so you have no idea what you’re looking at or attempting to shoot 80 percent of the time. It sucks even more when you’re attempting to maneuver a vehicle because the controls scheme changes every time the camera decides to pan in a different direction.
What sucks even more about the game is the lack of a targeting system. Toggling between bad guys, power ups and control towers with the right stick is not very efficient and only pisses me off. You might as well tape down the right trigger and use your free hand to drink a beer or strangle yourself.
Don’t even get me started on the worthless AI partner you have tagging along with you. I’m not even sure my buddy even killed one enemy.
Thank you for further ruining a childhood favorite of mine, EA and Hasbro. Don’t you dare make another shittastic movie or game based on said shittastic movie.