Anyone who’s had to deal with co-workers in any capacity knows that kids trump all office-related priorities, leaving those of us without kids to do most of the heavy lifting while working parents leave for five hours every day to chauffeur their little, jobless a-holes to the emergency room every time one of them sneezes.
Now’s the time to furnish your own cubicle with a free, unlimited “get out of work” pass. The $20 Office Kid kit contains a framed photo of an impossibly cute child, a seemingly hand-drawn picture of your non-existent family, and a metal lunchbox full of excuses you can use to free up an afternoon whenever you feel like it.
If your boss seems to have a slightly elevated level of intelligence, you can purchase additional stuff to throw him or her off the trail: extra child-like artwork, a photoshopped sports team photo, official-looking doctor’s notes, and the like. You also choose the gender and ethnicity of your child. Congrats in advance on your new family!