Sweet, merciful Alan Thicke! The iPhone Bug will attack today!

Put your iPhone in a lead box and step away from it, people. Someone is going to send you a text message with a square in it and then destroy your life a la that one movie with Will Smith in it when he goes into that warehouse and there’s some dude in there inside a Faraday cage and he asks “Can they really do that?” or some permutation thereof and the guy in the cage says “Yes they can” or whatever and then they take over his bank account and Will Smith has to run around and solve like a mystery or something and it turns out it was the GOVERNMENT. Seriously!

As you recall there’s an SMS bug in the iPhone that could allow for SUPER HACKERS TO STEAL YOUR TESTICLES! It will happen when they send you a message with a square in it. If you get this message, remove your pants and disinfect yourself because you have just been OWn3d!

You see, yesterday Forbes’ Andy Greenberg posted a breathless article about it and today – today! – the entire world is trying it out, ensuring that your iPhone will die. Quoth some site called Newser:

“Someone could pretty quickly take over every iPhone in the world with this,” says one of the experts. The bug could let the hacker control all the phone’s functions, including making phone calls and sending texts to other phones. Windows Mobile contains an analogous flaw, researchers say, and both Google’s Android phone and the iPhone had bugs that would allow hackers to disable their network connections—though Google has patched the problem.

Well fluff me with a Dyson Animal! Get out of the way, Martha! I’m throwing my iPhone into the toilet!