In the proud tradition of the Authors Guild, we at CrunchGear have made a startling discovery. The new iPod Shuffle from Apple can speak the title and artist currently playing, a feature that could put millions of radio DJs out of work. The hard work and dedication to craft that brings us “Single Ladies” by Beyonce four times an hour on local stations everywhere can now be replaced by a silver box the size of a suppository.
Just listen to the voice in the video above. It is completely and unmistakably on par with the best of Opie and Anthony. I dare you to listen and not hear the lilting strains of Wolfman Jack buried deep in its DNA.
This outrage will not stand. Biff, Burgermaster, Fatboy, and the rest of the Morning Zoo: Stand to fight. Howard Stern: hire someone to look into this for you. If this little square of metal can say “mumble mumble the ching chings” just like a real human, what else will it replace? Will the shuffle feature replace the drive time rock block, the shot-outs to pot-heads at 3am? The titillation of hearing a porn star pretend to have sex while you drive to your job at Arby’s? This is a slippery slope and we are at the crest.