With the $700 billion bail out on hold and banks dropping like flies, it seems this economic apocalypse will come in – and out – with a bang and not a depression. To that end we’ve decided to scour our mind-holes for gear that will help you survive the coming economic catastrophe.
While we can’t promise that there will be zombies during this international economic breakdown, we wanted to be completely prepared for all potential threats, especially when Pfizer goes belly-up and their laboratories are overrun by environmental activists who release a deadly “rage” virus into the wild. So, in a very real way, this is both to help you survive the Great Dustbowl of 2008 and the great Zombie uprising of suburban New Jersey. Let’s begin.
Suunto X10 GPS Watch – When the news media dries up and publishing companies crumble in on themselves it will be harder than ever to find your way through the blasted American hellscape. Hopefully the national G.P.S. grid will still be working, though, so whip out this monster watch with digital compass, thermometer, and a Google Earth-compatible trip recorder. Worried that Google will go out of business? I wouldn’t. Their computers are programmed to become sentient in the event that Larry and Sergey leave the planet for Mars.
Panasonic Toughbook F8 – Panasonic knows what the switched-on post-Democratic survivalist needs to stay on top of online episodes of Rocketboom – the Panasonic Toughbook F8. This high-end laptop is water- and shock-proof and offers over six hours of battery life and comes with Gobi.
Waterco Trout Water Purifier – This water purifier by Dutch company Waterco uses a chemical based on trout gills to flocculate impurities. Because it uses a chemical called aquaporin there are no moving parts that could get jammed during taping of the NBC’s $1 million 100-mile Death Race Game Show hosted by Ryan Seacrest you’ll have to take part in just to get medicine for your ailing family. It even cleans water infected with blood, poo, and coffee grounds.
Kaito KA404 Emergency Flashlight and Radio – Once Clear Channel takes over the airwaves “in compliance with the Patriot Act” you’ll want to be able to keep looking for pirate radio stations not yet pounded out by the jackbooted thugs on the Pinkerton Union Busting squad. This KA404 AM/FM radio and flashlight combo – I suspect the model number alludes to the fact that the Internet will be down – costs $12.99 in 2008 dollars or $12 billion in 2011 dollars. I’d buy now.
Brando’s Solar Charger – Thanks to looting and riots – plus the havok wreaked by Henry Paulson’s Executive 20-foot-tall Battle Exoskeleton on the Eastern Seaboard, the power grid is going to be pretty iffy. That’s why you’ll need Brando’s $69 multi-tipped solar charger.
Leatherman Skeletool – It’s fairly obvious that you’re going to have to be your own handy-man/mercenary/surgeon once the economy collapses. That’s why you’ll need the Leatherman Skeletool CX. Tooth extraction? Check. Gall bladder removal? Check. Zombie skinning? Check. It’s all here and it only costs $58.23!
Mr. Beer – There’s no reason we can’t have any fun while hold up in the burnt husk of the Lehman Brother’s building near Times Square, fending off flesh-eaters while trying to stay warm by burning old stock certificates. Enter Mr. Beer: this super-easy beer brewing system ensures you can drink from the sweet River of Oblivion before you eventually succumb to the elements.
Bodum Chambord French Press – Listen, you basically got us into this mess by thinking $6 Starbuck’s coffee was a “good deal” and, most importantly, thinking those good days will last. Use this $29.95 French Press instead and brew your own newspaper and hay coffee when the global shipping lines collapse.
Sprint Nextel i365 – Sure you probably won’t be able to make any calls on this brick from Nextel and Motorola but it will make a great striking weapon and you can constantly and obsessively check the phone every few hours, hoping for a few bars. Be careful, though: once the battery runs out after the first week the wolves of despair can’t be far behind. Pro Tip: Loot a drug store and keep some Paxil handy.
WickedLasers Elite – This is for scaring/burning zombies. Duh.