Over the past few days the media has been buzzing about a trio of men who claim to have found Bigfoot – or Bigfeet to be specific – the men say that they’ve actually found a small tribe of the creatures. Today, they held a press conference in Palo Alto where they described their encounter with the beast in great detail. And because this may be one of the most important scientific discoveries of all time, we felt obligated to cover it.
The excitement was palpable this morning as dozens of reporters, camera men, and Bigfoot enthusiasts filled the conference room to near maximum capacity. Some particularly devout Bigfoot fans even showed up in costume. Scientists have been searching for the missing link since the infancy of evolutionary theory – today their search was to come to an end, and over a hundred people were there to witness it.
The men took the stage at noon and wasted no time before beginning their captivating tale. While wandering the woods in Northern Georgia, two of them happened upon a dead thing that was neither human nor ape. Pink intestines hung from the hairy corpse’s belly, and, according to one of the men, “it smelled like something dead”.
While the pair spotted a handful of similar creatures wandering silently in the distance, they were unable to catch them. However, they they did manage to capture them on video – the duo is clever enough to always carry a video camera with them whenever they venture into the woods.
The intrepid hunters didn’t know what to do. As they explained to the crowd today, their scenario was akin to finding the largest diamond in existence – who do you call? They decided that the authorities would be clueless, so they proceeded to load the beast into the back of their truck. Then they contacted Tom Biscardi, CEO of Searching for BigFoot Inc (or LLC, depending on where you look).
Biscardi is a man with experience. A few years ago, he found a woman in Stagecoach, Nevada who claimed to have captured similar Bigfoot creatures. Biscardi was convinced, and set about promoting the discovery to the media. Eventually Biscardi learned that the woman was mentally deranged and that the creatures did not exist, but he has learned his lesson – there will be no more mistakes.
Along with Biscardi, the two men put Bigfoot on ice to prevent further decomposition. During the press conference they revealed that there had been some debate regarding the conversion of water to ice (apparently they tried placing Bigfoot in water first), but they sorted things out. Since then, Bigfoot has been kept safely refrigerated in an undisclosed location.
This all happened in June (they aren’t quite certain about the date, but they seemed confident on the month). Since then, the team has been hard at work to prove the validity of their claims. Today, they presented us with nearly irrefutable evidence that the creature does posses some kind of DNA. Unfortunately, the tests are inconclusive (one test revealed that the creature is human, the other that it is mostly possum, which has been attributed to contamination from something Bigfoot ate). Further testing is underway, and an autopsy is scheduled for Monday (hopefully the two months in an ice bath didn’t damage things too badly).
The team has provided the press with a pair of photographs depicting Bigfoot, which can be seen below. The first is of Bigfoot’s tongue and teeth, which are clearly not human, though they do sort of look like dentures. The second shows a creature wandering the woods on two feet, and strongly resembles Chewbacca. Unfortunately, both photos are quite blurry, so further analysis is difficult. Clear video footage will be released in the near future.
There were, of course, skeptics: “Why didn’t the hunters contact the authorities?”, “Why didn’t you give us more evidence today?”, “How did you manage to find a creature that has eluded modern technology and civilization for centuries?” they asked.
It wasn’t until I heard Biscardi’s response that I became a believer: “When was the last time you found a bear skeleton in the woods?”
More on the story as it develops. See John McCrea for more.