Apple is decadent and depraved… NOT!

Mike Elgan at Datamation wrote a scathing — scathing! — article about Apple’s arrogance. Dude, welcome to 1999. Every knows that Apple emits an air of arrogance to keep meatheads like you from touching their precious keyboards and Mighty Meese. Mac-heads, however, like the entire freaking CrunchGear team, have already visited Apple’s re-education headquarters deep in the wilds of Washington state where we were branded with the little splat key symbol on a very tender and delicate place and forced to “Think Different” by recreating the Milgram experiments on a band of Windows fanbois. Only we used real current.

Want to know why Apple and, by extension, its users are arrogant? Because you’re a big douchey douche who wouldn’t know a good operating system if it came pre-installed on a slightly more expensive but far cooler looking laptop with serious overheating and battery issues but that still runs better than Vista on a quad core 64-bit server with 4GB RAM and a weighted mouse. Sure, Apple screwed me with the 1.1.1 iPhone release, but Steve himself promised me in a dream that he would launch 1.1.2 that would turn my iPhone into a G.P.S. enabled smartphone with 3G capabilities and a built-in beard trimmer. Unlike guys like Mike, law and order types, I guess you could call them, Apple will never call my wife to say that I’ve been drinking too much and that I broke into the grade school near my house and was caught peeing on a bunch of basketballs in the gym. Apple will never tell me it loves me and then date my cousin Brucey who has a really weird mustache. Apple will never drop my sandwich on the ground accidentally on purpose and then cite the 3-second rule and then take a bite of its own sandwich and be all like “Aren’t you eating? These are good sandwiches.” Apple may be arrogant, but they’re not cruel, Mike, and sooner you know this, the sooner we stop tasing you.

Apple Arrogance Unleashed! [ITMangement]