BlackBerry Outage Kills Three, Causes Mass Firing of F*cking Stupid Executive Assistants

I need my email. Do you hear me? I need my email!

At about 5PM PDT last night, RIM’s push mail servers seemingly failed and created a mass outage in the “Western hemisphere,” leaving hundreds of men in chinos and shirts with their company name stitched above the breast pocket aghast and potentially causing multiple heart attacks and angry calls to the Help Desk to “fix this right now, I don’t care what the Internet says!”

New York’s Channel 4 news broke the story and postulated that the amount of back-logged mail would swamp RIM’s servers, rendering them completely useless. However, RIM representatives around the world reported no problems and suggested that getting your tech news from nightly news broadcasts on an NBC affiliate in New York, even one that feature’s Asa Aarons’ financial advice, might not be the best idea.

Update: BlackBerry service hit by widespread outage in U.S. [ComputerWorld]