The Net Neutrality Drinking Game

The FCC is about to be taken out back by Congress for a quick word.

The independent federal agency’s recent vote to pass new net neutrality regulations has stirred some discontent among the congressional majority in both houses, resulting in a full dance card for FCC Chairman Thomas Wheeler, who will take part in five subsequent hearings over the next several weeks. The first is tomorrow, before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.

However, we understand that watching political types argue technicalities and hypotheticals might not be your modus vivendi. As such, TechCrunch has created an accompanying drinking game for the hearings so you can watch along and numb the pain that so often goes hand in hand with watching our august legislators in action.

All the following are paraphrased guidelines. If a rule deals with the concept of, say, free speech, and someone in congress of from the FCC riffs to a similar tune, you still have to drink¹. No sticklers here, please.

The Net Neutrality Drinking Game

At the start of the game, all players must take a drink.

Take One Drink If:

• A net neutrality proponent calls net neutrality “the free speech issue of our time.”
• A net neutrality opponent calls the FCC’s net neutrality plan the “President’s net neutrality plan.”
• A net neutrality opponent uses the word “fauxbearance.” (Drink twice if you giggle at watching old people make up silly words.)
• Anyone calls the FCC’s net neutrality plan ‘government takeover’ of the Internet, or a plan to put into place ‘heavy handed regulation’ of the Internet.
• It is pointed out that the Communications Act of 1934 was in fact originally signed into law in, wait for it, 1934.
• Anyone makes the point that using Title II is a break from past precedent without proper irony.
• An opponent stomps their foot metaphorically, arguing that as things have worked so far, there is no need for change. (Drink twice if you feel that the person speaking hasn’t read the Verizon decision.)
• A net neutrality opponent claims that the rules will put everyone in the ‘Internet slow lane.’
• A net neutrality proponent claims that the rules will prevent most people from being put into the ‘Internet slow lane.’

Take Two Drinks If:

• FCC Chairman Wheeler reiterates his quip that the agency’s plan isn’t any more a ploy to regulate the Internet than the First Amendment to the United States Constitution is designed to regulate, or constrain free speech.
• Commissioner Ajit Pai reiterates his point that the plan, such as it is, is not the solution to a problem, but is the problem itself.
• It is pointed out, as if for the first time, that the FCC’s plan will lead to legal action.
• If a net neutrality opponent refers to Title II as ‘Depression-Era regulation.’

Pound A Full Bottle Of Fireball If:

• Anyone calls net neutrality “Obamacare for the Internet.”
• Anyone compares net neutrality to regulating the fucking Post Office.
• You hate yourself as much as we do for live streaming CSPAN.

The comments are yours. Tell us what rules we missed. Then take a cab home.

1. Please do not die. If you can no longer feel your face, put the sauce away. 

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