selfie

There’s An Upcoming TV Show Called Selfie And I Hate Everything About It

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Aspiring TV Showrunner: So, have you heard about these things called “selfies”?
ABC Executive: What? No.
Showrunner: Didn’t you watch the Oscars?
Executive: Are you kidding me? That thing’s like six hours long.
Showrunner: It was on ABC.
Executive: … Your point being?
Showrunner: Uh, anyway, they’re a huge deal now. All the kids are talking about them.
Executive: Let’s assume that I believe you. I still have no idea what a selfie actually is.
Showrunner: Basically, it’s where you take a photo of yourself with your phone? Sometimes you force your friends to get in the picture too. I’m telling you, everyone’s doing it. There was even a hit novelty single.
Executive: God, I hate millennials.
Showrunner: Yeah, but they’d totally watch a show called Selfie.
Executive: A show … about taking photos?
Showrunner: No no no, that’s just hook, see? It’s really a way to talk about our modern condition as a technological society.
Executive: Forget millennials, I hate you.
Showrunner: (quickly) Not as a serious drama. As a comedy.
Executive: Really? How many jokes can you tell about … whatever the hell they’re called?
Showrunner: That’s the beauty of it. You don’t need jokes, because technology is inherently funny. We’ll just throw in lots of smartphone screenshots and random buzzwords like “Insta-famous” and “oh-em-gee” and the kids will laugh and laugh. You won’t have to hire any actual writers!
Executive: Interesting.
Showrunner: Plus, this will tell our viewers that we’re totally with it.
Executive: I am pretty hip, and I’m not sure that always comes across. But hold on now. You’re not just selling this as a comedy so you can shoehorn in some tedious message about how technology is making us drift apart as human beings, are you?
Showrunner: (to himself) Yes.
Executive: What?
Showrunner: No, definitely not.
Executive: And who do you see as the lead?
Showrunner: Karen Gillan from Doctor Who? The nerds love her.
Executive: Doctor Who? Isn’t that British?
Showrunner: We’ll give her an over-the-top American accent. It’ll be hilarious.
Executive: Perfect. I want a script on my desk by tomorrow morning.

Update: So I missed the fact that it’s a Pygmalion/My Fair Lady riff. (Yes, yes, she’s named Eliza, he’s named Henry Higgins, they reference My Fair Lady in the trailer, whatever.) How about this: In my alternate universe script, they come up with that part later.