(Note: The following email was sent to our tips line, email@example.com, by a “literary placement and branding consultant” based in Los Angeles. It was the worst email we received today. The author’s name and that of his client have been redacted. Otherwise, his email is being published without editing — just strategic bolding.)
News Desk – Please forward immediately to Alexia and Eldon …
ALEXIA / ELDON:
This note is obviously not for publication.
I’m concerned that a personal message (see below) from [XXXX], the CEO of [XXXX] in Japan, has not been answered more than 60 hours after it was sent.
The company has asked me to help unravel the mystery.
This is the third attempt by the company in the last two weeks to reach out to your U.S. staff and get your attention with an exclusive.
[XXXX] is a legendary figure in the world of Asian personal computing. He brought kanji characters into the digital universe and word processing to Asia. He was a pal of Steve Jobs when Jobs was first brooding about touch tech and pad computing. He provided Sun with some of its most important early algorithms. He sells the No. 1 business productivity app in Japan and just introduced worldwide an Apple iOS edition of his best-selling [XXXX].
He is now preparing a broader assault on the US apps market in the Fall. You don’t seem to know him. You don’t seem to care.
Let’s give it one last shot, shall we?
[XXXX] is on Sandhill Road and South of Market next week to meet with friends and funds. Also along for the ride is his brilliant mathematician wife [XXXX] who is the most famous woman programmer in Asia and who has done most of the coding that made his ventures famous there. Let me say that again: [XXXX] is the most famous woman programmer in all of Asia.
We are offering you an opportunity to meet them. We are offering you an advance glimpse at what they will do in September. No one is demanding that you love what they might tell you. But we are baffled and bewildered at why you don’t seem to value that!
Maybe you lost your own corporate history and global perspective when Michael Arrington left? But now he’s back – maybe you will share this note with Michael?
[XXXX] has approached you because two years ago, he gave you advance access to his first entry into the U.S. apps market, [XXXX] – and your very small story helped introduce that app in a big way to American and European audiences. Loyalty, as you know, is a big deal on that far side of the Pacific.
I know the pressure you are all under at TechCrunch. GizModo, CNET and ZDNet are eating your lunch every day and stealing your cafeteria snacks. I am also aware of the current budget tension at TechCrunch between your staff and your new CEO Susan Lyne who has you in her crosshairs … and I know the whimsical, faltering nature of your own expansion plans into European and Asian markets.
([XXXX] and [his wife] met at great length this week with the new TechCrunch Japan leader in Tokyo, Ken Nishimura. Ken knows [XXXX] well. Ken knows [his wife] well. But Ken Nishimura doesn’t seem to know you or your staff at all. One TechCrunch, one world? My guess is you don’t have a clue about the major stories TechCrunch Japan is breaking ever day in Tokyo.
Perhaps you didn’t get the memo, guys: Asia is about to have more than half of the world’s Internet users. Japan is in recovery. Asian content providers are now targeting global markets for growth. [XXXX] is a “first mover” in this global push.
All props to the bedroom Internet trolls and fan-boy hackers of your recent past. I knew them well at Xbox. But your own newby staff foreshadows your future audience –- go East … East Asia. Think Kim-Mai Cutler. Think Catherine Shu. Think Leena Rao. Think Anthony Ha. Release them, these bright and brilliant new reporting stars, all Asian, to cover and broker what they already know –- the Asian Internet wave and its leaders, racing straight for our digital shores.
Love [XXXX]. Hate [XXXX]. Whatever. But give him the courtesy of a response today.
You can shake his hand at the TechCrunch [August] Capital Summer party next Friday. Smile. You can even tell him to his face that you aren’t interested in anything new coming out of Asia.
Then we’ll smile back, drink your Scotch and leave the party before the band is done. But we would rather offer you one last dance.
(Ed. note: Want to meet the writer of this email? You too can attend the August Capital Party and drink our scotch. Tickets are available here.)