Observe, ladies and gentlemen, the lyrics of true seduction.
Dejamor, a Dreamit-backed startup that creates subscription romance-filled boxes to help couples spice up sexy time, has now launched a new product called Sexy Tales — yes, Sexy Tales — which lets you leave a sexy play-by-play recording for your partner.
The service lets you call a specific number, enter the number of your partner, and walk them through all your dirty fantasies. It’s a lot like a “Choose your own adventure” book, but with lots more dicks and snatches. And audio.
Now, the folks at Dejamor have a solid product in the Dejamor subscription box, which packages instructions, ingredients, and all the detailed flourishes you’d need for a more fantastical evening with your partner.
At first, it may feel a bit canned, but the point is to break the ice — not to carry your fumbling, lazy, or downright selfish ass from seduction to completion.
Sexy Tales has the same intent behind it, and the team admits that it could be far more hilarious than it is sexy. Especially when you consider the sample scripts Dejamor has provided for those of us without enough of an imagination to create our own “wetness.”
A few nuggets of awesome from the male read script:
“This is the best. I’m circling kisses around your deliciously wet cave.”
“Oh, honey, I want to taste a mouthful of your gooey sweetness, and you are heating me up.”
“…mixing your juices with my precum into a miraculous lubricant.”
Unless you’re dating a slutty Emily Dickinson, I’d stay away from language like this, gentlemen.
Apparently ladies need to offer their men two levels of saucy, mildly spicy and very spicy. Unfortunately, even though women tend to be the brains behind most phone sex (so says Dejamor), the female read scripts aren’t much better than the male:
“Wow, is it just me that’s hot? I’m unbuttoning my blouse and guess what I have underneath? That’s right baby, a black lace, see-through bra. I can feel your eyes on me and it’s making my nipples so hard they’re poking right out.”
“Yummy! Not only are you a big, smooth steel rod, but your creamy wetness is helping me glide my hand up and down your rm shaft.”
“Ooh! You are so tasty. Like eating a popsicle only hot. (slurping noises)”
Don’t forget the slurping noises, ladies.
Luckily, Dejamor provides a build-your-own script template for anyone who wants to test the Sexy Tales waters and not sound like they’ve never, ever had sex before.