After UK Judge’s Ruling, We Obtain ‘Draft’ Of Apple’s Notice For iPad v. Galaxy Tab

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It’s hard to make this stuff up. After battling Samsung in the UK courts for the last few weeks, Apple lost its case in the High Court in London, when the judge dismissed its claim that Samsung’s Galaxy Tab “slavishly copies” the design of the iPad. Judge Colin Birss said: “They are not as cool.” That perversely led to some pretty good headlines in Apple’s favour. But yesterday, it all went wrong. Apple must now put a notice on its website for six months acknowledging the court’s rulings, and take out similar ads in in several newspapers and magazines.

The precise content of the notice has not been specified. However, we’ve been leaked Apple’s draft of these adverts, which are clearly causing some consternation at the technology leviathan.

A STATEMENT FROM APPLE Inc.

Well, that was kind of a dumb move, huh.

There we were, sitting in the High Court arguing – quite cleverly we though (we’ve been watching DVDs of The People’s Court to up our game) – that Samsung’s Galaxy Tab was a piece-of-shit knock-off of the wonderful Jesus Pad.

And you know what? This frigging Limey Judge turns around and dismisses our case and says we have to advertise – ADVERTISE?! – the court’s judgement on our site and take a bunch of ads in these crappy excuses for supermarket tabloid newspapers these dumbass English people read. Adverts we tell ya! Is this guy nuts or something? Like, who the hell is this guy anyway?

We though this “Judge Colin Birss” had been given the right brief. At least we thought we had the right guy for the job when we handed over the envelope of used £50 notes to the guy at the back of the building last month (doesn’t it look like a set from a Harry Potter movie huh?!). The guy said he knew “exactly the judge for us”, the lying British fuck…

Birss had already proved his credentials by ruling in FAVOUR – FAVOUR we tells ya! – of a guy who’s had a photography of a bus on a London bridge copied by some ad campaign.

Now, you tell us: if a judge can realise a frigging photo is a knock-off, then when why in the name of Sweet Mother Mary can’t he tell that a frigging Galaxy Tab is a knock off of an iPad? I mean COME ON PEOPLE, throw us a bone here!

(We should have known this might happen when the guy lists his hobbies as beekeeping. Frigging freak…)

Ok, we digress.

Suffice it to say that we are obliged, dear reader, to refer to a bitter, bitter enemy “Samsung” and tell you guys that you won’t be able to confuse the Tab with the iPad because Galaxy Tabs are “significantly” thinner than our iPad (like, who cares?). Also, that the detailing on the back of the Tab is “distinctive and unusual” (yeah right, our ass). But at least you show good taste in realising that the iPad is “cooler” – are we right or am we right?

Ok, people, show’s over. Go buy some frigging consumer electronics why don’t ya. Knock yourselves out.

(Fricking Limey judges…)