Presenting The Worst Thing On The Internet: The Nokia Lumia Rap

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No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. *Deep breath* No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.No. No. No. No. No. No.

What the hell is this mess? Nokia, a company struggling to rebrand its image to survive in the iPhone world, should not turn to hip-hop parodies for help. I mean, I’m always up for a good chuckle. My wife tells me I’m a fun guy. But this thing makes me want to retract every nice thing I’ve written about Nokia.

The story goes that this video was shot in a Nokia Boston office in a desperate plea for viral attention for Nokia’s developer conference. I guess it worked. It will no doubt enter the Internet halls of shame and flanked by Rebecca Black and Chocolate Rain. However, this video, The Nokia Lumia Rap, truly challenges the timeless adage of there is no such thing as bad publicity — even Gizmodo thinks it’s bad.

Update: They pulled the video, which is probably for the best for humanity and Nokia alike. It must be somewhere online. Checking.

Update 2: Until the video resurfaces, here are the wonderful lyrics courteous of Nokia fan site, My Nokia Blog.

LYRICS
dev, dev, city kid, city kid
dev, dev, dev city kid, city kid, dev
dev, dev, dev city kid, city kid
Mutha on the beat

Hah!
[Verse 1:] – Smixx
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
ten ten ten twenties and we flippin’ bits
100 deep coding hard no guest list
Nokias who we’re messin wit
Got my other bits messin’ with my other bits
Codin’ all night figure we ain’t ready yet
Make it work too dope I ain’t selling it
Decoder’s fresher than another stick a peppermint
Dope sweater we the first kings killin this
Young money young money gettin’ bounty rich
We got that Metro on this ish

you know what it is
[Chorus:] – Smixx (Cory)
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
ten ten ten twenties and we flippin’ bits

dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
Been codin’ since a youngin now I’m gettin’ rich
[Verse 2:] – The Product (Christian)
I’m a money makin’ star
buy the club rounds on my card
Got the sick rims on my brand new car…
y’all dev’s get out walk the boulevard

I get my apps done pronto
Push it in the mornin’ and I’m gonzo
Hanchos gonna make it rain buy a poncho
You ain’t gettin’ money made but you want dough

Head phones on tilt seat back
Steady codin’ on it keys get tapped
lovin’ this platform, some too packed
d/l numbers going up like gas

Hot damn pull away from the pack
Localized it so I’m big in japan
Tat t-t-t-tatted up gettin stacks

Steve Balma love’s me
you know how it is

[Chorus:] – The Product (Christian)
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
hacking code on them apps and I’m getting cheques

dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
dev city kid, dev, dev city kid
ten ten ten twenties and them fifties Smixx

[Verse 3:] – Smixx (Cory)
I want a lumia in my pocket
so I’m ready to win
I choose to rocket
and not just contend
I see the leaderboard
and want my name at the top
just to know that I brought it
to know I’ve still got it
that I’ve snagged my reward
and man I’m not bored
when I’m out for blood
and I’m going in hard
I want to build an experience
not just another app
this whole mobile thing
is not just another fad

Nine hunnids, hunnids
Nine hunnids, hunnids
Nine hunnids, hunnids
Nine hunnids, hunnids

Update 3: I love my job.