It’s About Time Someone Translated The Facebook TOS Into Bro Speak

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Thank you Miles Lothe for taking the whole brogramming thing to the next level by reading the entire Facebook TOS and translating it into bro-speak.

This is amazing because Facebook, aside from Manpacks (yes it exists), is the most brogrammy startup on earth — Please email or IM  me if you want me to elaborate on this, because it’s late but I can totally prove it. And for those of you don’t know what a brogrammer is please check out this very very informative Quora thread or this um,  brogrammer kit.

Fun fact: Nick Schrock, a Facebook engineer, runs the very popular Brogramming page on Facebook. Also, this exists.

Bro Speak Facebook TOS translation highlights vs. Actual Facebook TOS below …

“Your privacy is very important to us. We designed our Privacy Policy to make important disclosures about how you can use Facebook to share with others and how we collect and can use your content and information.  We encourage you to read the Privacy Policy, and to use it to help make informed decisions.”

“We give lots of fucks about your privacy, so we wrote this. Read it, so you know what the fuck we’re going to do with the shit you post, so you’re not all ‘Facebook, I had no idea!’ when your shit is in our press releases.’”

“When you publish content or information using the everyone setting, it means that you are allowing everyone, including people off of Facebook, to access and use that information, and to associate it with you (i.e., your name and profile picture).”

“Sometimes when you publish things, you can share with ‘Everyone’. Just so you know, we mean everyone. Every. Fucking. One. But if they ask whose shit it is, we only tell them your full name and show the one picture. That’s it. So make it a good picture.”

“We always appreciate your feedback or other suggestions about Facebook, but you understand that we may use them without any obligation to compensate you for them (just as you have no obligation to offer them).”

“Hey, sometimes, maybe you have an idea! Fuck yeah, we love it when you have ideas. If you tell us your idea, maybe we’ll be like, ‘Hey! Great fucking idea, kid! We’re totally going to make that happen.’ We, uh, we don’t have to pay you for it, though, just like you don’t have to tell us how to improve our site, asshole. Thanks.”

“You will not tag users or send email invitations to non-users without their consent.”

“Yeah, we’ve made it super easy for you to invite your friends and to tag them in pictures and shit. So easy, you’d think we want you to invite them. You might even be tempted to do it. But don’t, unless you have their permission. Don’t email anyone an invite to Facebook until you have their permission. No, go ahead, we don’t mind if you email them to ask for permission to email them. We’ll just wait over here.”

“If you collect information from users, you will: obtain their consent, make it clear you (and not Facebook) are the one collecting their information, and post a privacy policy explaining what information you collect and how you will use it.”

“There’s a lot of information in here about a lot of people. Useful stuff, information, right? Well, you can’t have it, unless you tell everyone exactly how you’re going to use it and make sure they okay it. Who do you think you are, us?”

“You will not misrepresent your relationship with Facebook to others.”

“Don’t be telling people we’re tighter than we are. You’re just some application developer; we don’t want to find out you were trying to impress that hottie or those investors by telling them you know Mark or whatever. You don’t.”

“You give us the right to link to or frame your application, and place content, including ads, around your application.”

“Basically nothing you create is private. We can check out your content, mine your data, analyze your application and pretty much whatever else we want, for any reason at all. Yes, even to make money off of your shit. Problem?”

“You understand that we may not always identify paid services and communications as such.”

“On the other hand, we don’t have to tell you shit, either. Sometimes you’ll see something that looks like an ad, but maybe it isn’t, and you’ll be like, ‘Is that an ad, Facebook?” and we’ll be like, ‘…Good question.’”

“We can use your ads and related content and information for marketing or promotional purposes.”

“We can use your ads in our ads, like when we make ads for selling ads. We call it ADCEPTION.”

“WE TRY TO KEEP FACEBOOK UP, BUG-FREE, AND SAFE, BUT YOU USE IT AT YOUR OWN RISK. WE ARE PROVIDING FACEBOOK AS IS WITHOUT ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, AND NON-INFRINGEMENT. WE DO NOT GUARANTEE THAT FACEBOOK WILL BE SAFE OR SECURE.”

“LEGALLY WE’RE REQUIRED TO YELL THIS PART BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING IMPORTANT. THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE TELL YOU THAT WE DO OUR BEST TO NOT HAVE BROKEN SHIT BUT WE CAN’T MAKE ANY PROMISES OR GUARANTEE ANYTHING AT ALL. WE DON’T EVEN PROMISE THAT USING FACEBOOK IS SAFE SO IF YOU GET AXE-MURDERED BECAUSE OF SOME SHIT YOU DID ON FACEBOOK THAT’S NOT ON US WE TRIED TO WARN YOU WE EVEN YELLED IT. “

Read the rest here. 

Image of Brogrammer spirit animal Elliot Lynde: Quora

Update: Since this blog was posted, Schrock has unpublished the Facebook “Brogramming” page.