It’s that time of the half-year again! Time for TechCrunch Disrupt – or as it’s officially titled this year: AOL-HuffingtonPost-TechCrunch Disrupt, Part III: Back In Training.
For me, the highlight of the event is when Heather and Mike take to the stage and announce that they’re selling the company to someone ridiculous (this year my money’s on 4Chan!). For the rest of you, though, I know the real reason you sit glued to the live stream all day is to play The TechCrunch Disrupt Drinking Game.
You should know the rules by now: round up some friends, grab a bottle and follow the simple instructions below. Or as the Bard would have it said: Blow, wind! come, wrack! At least we’ll die with vomit down our shirt!
- A Startup Battlefield entrepreneur thanks a judge for a “great question” and then proceeds not to answer it.
- Someone uses the phrase “that’s a great question” as an obvious euphemism for “go fuck yourself”.
- An entrepreneur name-checks Mike during their pitch in the mistaken belief this will help their chances.
- Someone uses the word “freemium” or describes something as a “chicken-egg problem”.
- Someone makes an ironically disparaging remark about AOL from the stage.
- The person making the disparaging remark about AOL actually works for AOL.
- A Startup Battlefield company’s name consists entirely of real words, correctly spelt.
- It quickly becomes clear to everyone that the success of a particular company would result in the world becoming a terrible, terrible place.
- It quickly becomes clear that the company’s co-founders are dating
- It quickly becomes clear that the company’s co-founders cannot stand to be in the same room as each other, let alone on the same stage.
- It quickly becomes clear that the company’s co-founders are dating, and yet still cannot stand to be in the same room as each other.
- The wifi works so well that it breaks someone’s pitch.
- A surprise guest appears, who happens to be running for office.
- Someone uses a photo of either Mike and Arianna or Mike and Tim or Mike and Jason, or any combination of those, to illustrate a dating app.
- Yossi Vardi insists the entire audience applaud an entirely uncontroversial point (“EVERYBODY STAND UP IF YOU THINK THAT BABIES ARE ADORABLE”)
- Someone describes their company as “Instagram for…”
- They complete the above sentence with the words “…bills”, “…healthcare”, “…legal documents” or “…goat porn.”
Good luck everyone. And do make sure to follow me on Twitter for minute-by-minute commentary of the day’s nonsense. It’s like actually being in the room (sitting next to a dick).