Research Confirms What We All Suspected: Laptops Are Spermicidal

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While I salute the courage of the 29 young men who had thermometers applied to their undercarriage in the name of science, I doubt the outcome is a surprise to anyone. Hot laptops resting on your lap will cook your coconuts.

The study, performed by the urology department at the University of New York at Stony Brook, was positive in its findings that yes, your scrotum will rise in temperature if you clap your legs together and put big, heated slab on top of them for an hour. Even using a laptop cushion, advised as a preventative measure against toasted skin syndrome, didn’t prevent the scrota in question from reaching the danger zone.

Tests showed an increase of 2.5 degrees Celsius, which doesn’t sound like much, but remember that your balls are out there for a reason: to stay cool. Other research has shown that an increase of even one degree can be bad for your sperm.

Want children? Keep it on the desk.

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