“Is this CNN or the Onion?” The question has become something of a cliche over the past nine years or so. Every time a terrorist invents a new way to try to bring down a plane, you can guarantee that either the American or British government will enact a piece of bizarre knee jerk legislation to firmly lock the stable door after the terror-horse has bolted.
Box cutter hijackers? No airside butter knives!
Shoe bomber? Passengers must remove shoes before boarding!
Underwear bomber? Genital scanning for all!
And so when I heard that a Somali al-Qaedan had planted a cellphone bomb inside a printer cartridge on a cargo plane, I knew it was only a matter of time until….
Are you freaking kidding me? Printer cartridges?
I feel like Tom Lehrer after Kissinger won the Nobel peace prize. I literally don’t know how to parody this; it simply defies comical exaggeration. Here, for the benefit of travelers, is a full list of things which are now banned on transatlantic flights…
- Printer cartridges
- Zippo lighters
- Raindrops on roses
- Whiskers on kittens
- Bright copper kettles
- Warm woolen mittens*
- Brown paper packages tied up with string
- Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
- Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
- Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
- Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
- Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
- Silver white winters that melt into springs
- Butter knives
Finally I feel safe.
* may be carried in checked baggage.