THIS JUST IN! Britain Delivers Killer Blow to Terrorists, Office Supply Salesmen

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“Is this CNN or the Onion?” The question has become something of a cliche over the past nine years or so. Every time a terrorist invents a new way to try to bring down a plane, you can guarantee that either the American or British government will enact a piece of bizarre knee jerk legislation to firmly lock the stable door after the terror-horse has bolted.

Box cutter hijackers? No airside butter knives!

Shoe bomber? Passengers must remove shoes before boarding!

Underwear bomber? Genital scanning for all!

And so when I heard that a Somali al-Qaedan had planted a cellphone bomb inside a printer cartridge on a cargo plane, I knew it was only a matter of time until….

…3….

…2…

…1…

Britain is cracking down on security in the wake of the cargo plane terror plot by banning printer cartridges in hand luggage

Are you freaking kidding me? Printer cartridges?

I feel like Tom Lehrer after Kissinger won the Nobel peace prize. I literally don’t know how to parody this; it simply defies comical exaggeration. Here, for the benefit of travelers, is a full list of things which are now banned on transatlantic flights…

  • Printer cartridges
  • Liquids
  • Zippo lighters
  • Raindrops on roses
  • Whiskers on kittens
  • Bright copper kettles
  • Warm woolen mittens*
  • Brown paper packages tied up with string
  • Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels
  • Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles
  • Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
  • Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
  • Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes
  • Silver white winters that melt into springs
  • Butter knives

Finally I feel safe.

* may be carried in checked baggage.

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