NSFW: Yep, Montblanc Killed my MacBook Pro Today

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OMG/JK: Attack Of The Anthropomorphized Smartphones!

Last Wednesday, I got my hands on a new Meisterstück Le Grand Traveller pen. I haven’t touched my MacBook Pro since. It’s twelve months old. RIP.

Stop. Take a deep breath. Before my opening paragraph gets you all worked up, consider what I’m saying here. I’m saying that my TechCrunch options just cashed out and I’ve just used some of the money to buy an awesome new pen. And it’s beautiful. And I want to write a post all about how awesome and beautiful it is.

No – wait – I’ve just looked back at that lede, and you’re right. I am saying more than that. I’m saying that my new pen is so perfect in every way that my purchasing it spells the inevitable end of my MacBook. What’s more, I genuinely and unironically believe that the awesomeness of my pen is such that its halo effect will render your MacBook – and those of everyone you hold dear – useless as well.

But, still, hear me out.

In the next few hundred words I’ll explain all of the myriad reasons why my new Meisterstück Le Grand Traveller – a snip at just shy of $800 (inc tax and ink) – is superior in every way to my $1200 Mac Book Pro. And when you’ve finished reading, I’m confident that you too will want to trade in your clunky old laptop for this masterpiece of German manufacturing. If you don’t, I’ll eat my power cable. After all, I don’t need it any more.

I mean, seriously, did I mention how amazing my freaking pen is?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “but the Meisterstück has been around since 1924 and it hasn’t killed the MacBook yet”. That’s true, but until this week I hadn’t bought one. Now that I have, and now that I’ve written this post about it, surely we can all agree that it’s only a matter of time before the streets are filled with the smell of burning aluminum and glass while former bloggers look on, describing the scenes in their diaries using shiny black fountain pens.

But I’m getting ahead of myself: let’s make a side by side comparison…

My MacBook Pro is 14.35 inches wide and weighs 5.6lbs. The Meisterstück Le Grand? How about 4.2 inches long and less than a pound in weight. Unbelievable. Of course much of that size difference is down to the lack of a hard drive or battery or any electronic parts in the Meisterstück, but that just adds to its awesomeness. Also, when my MacBook gets warm it sounds like a jetplane taking off – my Meisterstück? It’s literally silent, even when it’s operating at full speed. No one believes me when I tell them that, but it’s true.

And how about battery life? My MacBook manages a decent 3-4 hours on a full charge, but compare that to the Meisterstück: I’ve been carrying it around in my pocket for five days – using it constantly – and I haven’t had to plug it in once. Montblanc are killing it with this pen!

But there’s more! When you get your Meisterstück and remove the cap, you will find exactly zero keys inside. My MacBook has 78! In the Meisterstück all of those have been replaced with a single nib, capable of producing not just letters and numbers but also signs, shapes and runes. For a writer like me, that’s gold! (Note: the nib is actually gold) To be honest, I feel a bit silly having carried around all those keys for so long – the truth is, there are at least 10% that I haven’t ever used. I mean what’s the “^” even for?

Ok, so that’s hardware: how about applications? Of course, this is where the MacBook should have the edge: after all, with my MacBook I’m able to listen to music, write and send documents and use social media tools like Twitter. Surely my Meisterstück can’t compete with all that?

You wanna bet?

Here I am, not just listening to music, but ACTUALLY PLAYING IT….

Twitter? No problem!

And how about writing and mailing documents, or publishing blog posts? Well, ok, I admit that’s a little slower with the Meisterstück. I started writing this column shortly after MG published his anthology of love poems to his new MacBook Air, and it would definitely have been funnier if I’d been able to publish sooner – but first I had to write it longhand….

…..then mail it to AOL to be transcribed….

….then wait for it to be published. But, as any MacBook Air user will tell you, sometimes you have to take a few technological steps backward in order to make a giant leap forward.

And those leaps just go on and on: my Meisterstück has a pocket clip, a removable cap and a brass insert capable of holding two ink cartridges (along with the six spares kept in the leather carry pouch). I called Apple a few hours ago and asked if ANY ONE of these features was on their roadmap for the MacBook. They hung up on me, but I think we all know the answer! Yeah – Rest In Pieces, MacBook!

With my purchase of a Moleskine notebook three years ago, I put the wheels in motion to kill my MacBook. This week, by purchasing an awesome pen, I kicked off my final assault. There will be no survivors.

Now if you’ll excuse us, my pen and I are heading to Hawaii for a few days of “couple time” away from all you lameos and your tired old “crap books”. Try not to be too jealous when you see my pen gliding through the x-ray machine without me having to remove it from its case!

See you in the future, suckers!

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