Later this week, thousands of ironic t-shirts will be arriving in Austin for the 16th annual South By Southwest Interactive festival.
At about this time, it’s traditional for tech publications to publish handy guides to “surviving SXSWi” – packed with useful advice that’s basically interchangeable with that for any other festival since the beginning of time.
“Drink plenty of water!” “Prepare for some late nights!” “Plan ahead to make sure you don’t miss anything!” “Pack sturdy shoes!” “Always use a condom!”. Useful advice for SXSWi, certainly, but also applicable for Oktoberfest, Glastonbury, Woodstock and the ancient Roman festival of Lupercalia (although for the latter, replace ‘shoes’ with ‘sandals’ and ‘condom’ with ‘sprig of silphium’).
This year, though, I decided to use my experience of past SXSWi’s to produce something more useful. A very specific and completely foolproof guide on surviving this year’s event. And here it is…
Tip One: Don’t go to South by Southwest Interactive.
I’m serious. It sucked last year, and it’s going to suck again this year. You’re kidding yourself if you think otherwise. The idea that SXSWi is a conference – or even a festival – for people doing interesting and useful things in technology is a fallacy. In reality, it’s just a non-stop orgy of bullshit fanboyism – a chance for people with stickers on their laptops to go and add more stickers to their laptops; an opportunity for sweaty dorks in Diggnation t-shirts to line up for two hours in the hope of getting Alex Albrecht to – I dunno – sign their laptop, I suppose, or maybe give them another freaking sticker. Even the parties – which are basically the only reason to go – are horrible: the free bars runs out too soon, and they’re always rammed with the kind of people who you could be forgiven for assuming have never been inside licenced premises before.
“But Pure Volume at 2am is pretty awesome!”
No it isn’t. You were just drunk. You’d lined up for three months to get in with your stupid plastic entry tag and you had to convince yourself that the experience was worthwhile because the only alternative was to kill yourself. Free vodka Red Bulls are not worth the hassle. Take your lead from the pros: buy a couple of bottles of vodka and a case of Red Bull and host your own party in your hotel room. Except you can’t, can you? Because you’re sharing with your friend Dan and he has to be up early for the “Google Hackathon”.
“But we’re launching a new app, and it’s going to be awesome.”
No it isn’t. But I completely understand why you think it will be. With all those fanboys in one place, where better than ‘South by’ to launch your awesome new location-based app?
Two years ago, Twitter was the undisputed hit of the festival. Everyone was using it – to find parties, to silently heckle panels, to do all the things that one can do with Twitter. Last year those same people were so desperate to find the new Twitter that they mistakenly handed that crown to Foursquare on the basis that a relatively small number of Web 2.0 scenesters used it to find out where their friends were partying. And yet, despite that auspicious start, and a shit-ton of publicity since, Foursquare has failed to capture the imagination of even most early adopters, particularly those outside of San Francisco and New York. Foursquare was resolutely not last year’s Twitter. Last year’s Twitter was Twitter.
That won’t, however, stop a billion start-ups blowing their entire launch budget on flying their whole team – armed with sacks of flyers and amusing stick-on bugs and branded candy and more fucking stickers – to Texas, confident in the knowledge that their app (with its stupid cutesy name) will be the hit of the festival. It won’t be. It will just be yet another location-based app sloshing about in a sea of location-based apps that may be temporarily useful while a thousand early adopters are crammed into an area of less than one square mile. The moment the festival is over, you’ll be dead.
Instead, this year’s hot location-based app will be… Twitter. You’re welcome. Call me Nostradamus.
Last year, while in Austin, I wrote a column for the Guardian talking about the awfulness of the event, saying..
“None of this is surprising, of course, as it all fits neatly into what social media has taught us – that the moment a service or community gets too big, too mainstream or too commercialised, the early adopters declare it “over” and move on to the next cool, niche thing. And it’s why I really hope that next year one or two of those early adopters will organise – and I mean that in the loosest sense – a user-generated unofficial fringe conference to sit alongside the main event. Ideally it will be a bit nerdier and more businessy, and a lot more fun, than SXSW and will have plenty of space for unofficial “core conversations” and a great product launch or two.”
Sadly, unless it’s a very well kept secret, there’s no such rival event and this year’s SXSWi will be more of the same bullshit. And for that reason, I’m totally serious when I say that you shouldn’t go. Instead – while your rivals are distracted in Texas, pissing their money up the wall and ejaculating over their laptop stickers during yet another Evan Williams keynote – you should use the time instead to stay at home and work on building your start-up.
Your liver will thank you, your investors will thank you, and most importantly so will millions of real-world users who really want you to create something new and innovative rather than being sucked into the hype and churning out just a better, prettier Twitter-meets-Gowalla clone for the approbation of your peers.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I’m moderating the “Unsexy & Profitable: Making $$ Without Hype” panel on Saturday at 3:30pm in Hilton A/B.
See you in Austin.
(Photo of Gary Vaynerchuk and Kathy Sierra by Randy Stewart)
Great stuff haha! Loved this article.
Well, most of Paul’s points ring true, but if you’re still looking to go and/or earn extra cash at SXSW, there’s a startup 2.0 site looking for ladies to promo/assist CEO with photos, video, interviewing, swag, etc. http://bit.ly/mbsxsw
Brilliance.
+1… and I really hope people stop calling it ‘south by’.
you’d think they’d know how to brand an event. especially with this years event revolving around location.
Has it become ‘south bye’?
So when I see you after your panel, should I casually ignore you, acting like what you just said was so 2006?
wow, you’re kinda a dick.. but funny.
looking forward to SXSWi, I hope it is just like this post!
hahahaha, best article written by TC. SO so true.
(sadly I will be going, but primarly to visit in my old college stomping grounds and not on an investors dime).
100% true :) Been there a number of times. Not going this year. Waste of time and money.
Oh with regards to condoms, you might as well save it for your nieces balloon collection. You have a better chance of using your condom at your local bar than at SXSW. Imagine 200 sausages competing for one drunk girl.
LOL. Maybe you should work on your game? Actually, please don’t. I love Amateur Night.
Some of us do pretty well at SXSW. I’ve already got a date lined up for Fri night.
hahaha… thanks for sharing the article!
Girls can get laid anywhere..especially when it’s a sausage fest like SXSW and you’re reasonably cute. It’s easy when you’re the one that has your pick of the litter, ya know. :)
I want to see Carr and Seigler fight. My money would be on Carr.
Ditto
ROFL, was thinking the same!
“Tip One: Don’t go to South by Southwest Interactive.”
Why don’t you take your own advice so we don’t have to read more articles of you bitching about it?
You *have* to read the article?
Can I get that article in sticker form so I can put it on my laptop. And Paul Carr, can you sign my laptop? That was an awesome article.
This is a great article. You seem to be the anti-Siegler. You should email this part to MG:
And yet, despite that auspicious start, and a shit-ton of publicity(MG posts) since, Foursquare has failed to capture the imagination of even most early adopters, particularly those outside of San Francisco and New York. Foursquare was resolutely not last year’s Twitter. Last year’s Twitter was Twitter.
I have to say, now this is a quality post.
Can I get a TechCrunch sticker at your panel?
One of the best posts I’ve read on TechCrunch in a while. There has been so much SXSW and Foursquare hype that it’s getting quite sickening. It’s refreshing to hear an honest point of view…
Go back to Sunday.
You’re not a Tuesday columnist.
Go back under the bridge.
Go back to your mom’s stomach
promote to daily columnist
Still Laughing
Love it. You think like me. Refreshing to see this point of view on TechCrunch!
As always, one of the only things I ever read these days that makes me laugh uproariously outloud. Thank you for making me giggle, Paul. And the delicious irony of it all is that not only will you be there at SXSW, but for a few days at least, you’ll be excited by the new gimmick too, and rightly so, its what keeps us all employed and intrigued. What fun would we have if there weren’t fanboys?
Your optimistic, can-do attitude is why I love you Paul. You always see the bright side of things.
Hes British :)
I’ve been pondering whether it’s worth it to fork over the $550 to attend this conference, and I live in Austin.
Only 100 exhibitors and long list of lightweight, entry-level sessions and panels, including yours. “Making $$ Without Hype”?. Seriously? Don’t strain yourself there.
My personal favorite on the schedule covers the history of the button. And the tweet-heckling that goes on doesn’t say great things about the crowd, who apparently occasionally substitute group-tweeting for group-masturbation.
I tried to find some reason for going since I have a couple of meetings with people who will be there but now I think I’ll just have them meet me for coffee across the street.
SXSWi is about 2 years behind the Web 2.0 Expo, which was near death a couple of years ago. Both are filled with sellers and no buyers and the only thing you can be sure of is you won’t see many of the attendees the next year. At least though the Web 2.0 Expo is cheaper. I don’t know where the SXSWi guys get off charging $550 for a lot of filler. Just because it carries the name of the larger Film and Music festivals that are worth something doesn’t justify trying to charge in the same price range.
It might now be worth it though just to go and heckle you.
Since you live in Austin, you *must* know that SXSWi’s registration numbers are higher than the music festival’s numbers this year (and 40 percent higher than the registration number for SXSWi last year, last I heard). And film has pretty much always had the smallest registration numbers. So… which one is larger again?
[Also, last time I checked Web 2.0 Expo costs more than $550. And is shorter.]
That said – this article was pretty much exactly the experience I had last year, if you add Blue Bell ice cream to the hotel room party and hipster smokers crowding the outdoor area at Pure Volume (and every other party). And buttons – don’t forget buttons! It’s like collecting pins at Disneyworld. But, if you like waiting in line to be told that the free booze ran out at every party you go to, going in anyway just to check it out, overpaying for a plastic cup of beer, and being packed in so tight that more of it does down your shirt than in your mouth… rock on! Also, bring walking shoes – you’ll have to go a couple miles to get to a place to eat that won’t have an hour wait for seating. Unless you can subsist of a $5 bag of M&Ms at the convention center.
Paul, I’ll be in the Austin area Sat. How can I come to your event without SXSW badges? This is the only event that sounds remotely interesting.
The event is in the Hilton (across the street) so if you have a confident swagger you might be able to get in without a badge.
If anyone stops you, lie and tell them you’re on the panel but left your badge at home. I’ll back you up.
Paul you realize you have just opened up a scene from “Life of Brian” as now 100 people will turn up saying they are on the panel and that their girl friends name is Paul Carr or something!!
Now that would be f-ing cool to see!!!
Hopefully hell has room for a few more promotional stickers.
We’re launching the world’s easiest way to buy promotional stickers March 24th.
No site yet, but we do have screenshots: http://twitpic.com/174pv5
Follow us at: http://twitter.com/stickermule
Man TC is getting so snarky, i didn’t hear about the acquisition of Techcrunch by Huffington Post
Brilliant closing line to witty post. Permanently filing this under: epic.
It’s my first Nerd SpringBreak — and I’m excited. See you there (maybe.)
I’ll be there, too. My first time, actually.
Reading this article, I only got more and more pumped for this weekend.
This article was fucking awesome.
He is the anti-MG. Love it.
So it sounds like we all need to gather as many stickers as possible and bring them to the Hilton A/B at 3:30pm for Paul as he appears to love stickers.
LOL! Awesome ending to an awesome post.
Classic post.
I can only picture everyone running around trying to:
A. Become the Mayor of…something.
B. Unlock the rest of the badges the free world has no idea how to…
I’d go just to people watch…
This article sounded exactly like something I’d say. Yet it’s on a tech blog that people actual read. Glad you have no fear speaking the truth, it’s rare these days with all the ass grabbing that is done in the industry.
Hahahaha I was surprised to see and as well am just LOL
nice one
This is why I go to SXSW for the music and not interactive. Interactive is a bunch of people with laptops getting drunk. I can do that at my library.