Review: Tenga Flip Hole [NSFW]

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We at CrunchGear seem to have opened some sort of strange Pandora’s Box resulting in a number of offers to send us marital aids for review. First it was the Sqweel and now it’s the Tenga Flip Hole. Mom and Dad: I’m sorry you wasted all that money on college for me.


The Tenga Flip Hole is a $70 Japanese sex jar (“onacup” in Japan) for men. It works thusly: You unpack it and open it up. Inside is a mass of strangely shaped and knurled silicone with an opening at the bottom. It is clad in hard plastic and those three knobs on the side allow for some sort of marionette-like method of pumping the plastic inside. It also has a fake hymen.

To repeat: It also has a fake hymen.

To use it you open it up, place a quantity of lubricant inside (“Mild, “Cool Ranch,” and “Wild” are the styles included with this kit), and then close it. You then introduce your male member into the hole at the bottom (past the freaking fake hymen) and manipulate the device until issue. You then wash the thing out and go eat a candy bar from the box that your son’s school is making you sell but since you work from home you can’t sell them in an office so they lie around the house all day and all you do is eat them because your wife doesn’t eat milk chocolate and you don’t have the will power to resist them, let alone resist twirling it into a Japanese sex jar.

While your own methodology may vary, I’m here to tell you that this is what sex will be like when we are colonized by the machines. Males will be given these devices to produce genetic material which will then be processed and pre-screened for genetic defects like “free will” by the robot overlords. The resulting slurry will be sent to the female inseminating fields where the next generation of bio-battery will be grown. The Tenga Flip Hole is what a robot thinks sex feels like: efficient, well engineered, and decidedly unnatural.

Sweet, merciful Cher. I had sex with a jar.

I received two of these devices from JList.com, a disposable model $12 U.S. Tenga model and this Flip Hole [NSFW link] (FTC please note: You are free to pick these up from my place of business in lieu of the standard disclosure documentation you will soon force us bloggers to prepare.) The $12 disposable model contained lubricant and was a one-time use device, something I cannot condone considering carbon footprint of waxing the dolphin inside a plastic cup and then throwing it away. I would say, however, that when using the Flip Hole you’ll want to use a lot of lubricant. It’s a tight squeeze, even for men as poorly endowed as me, and… I have a Master’s Degree in Business Journalism. Let’s not forget that.

Bottom Line
The world is full of lots of kinds of people. There are people who sing, people who dance, people who make gourmet cookies at a little place outside of the Hyannis Airport. And there are people who make onacups and people who have sex with those onacups. Now that I know what kind of person I am, I’m better for it.

Is it an amazing experience? If you’re alone and lonely and want to give Aunt Palm a rest, you know what? Yeah, it is a great time. I found I enjoyed it more in the company of my fine lady wife but that’s just how I butter my toast. You do what you need to do to get by. Different strokes for different folks, pip pip, cheerio.

Incidentally, Danny Choo has lots of photos of his Tenga Flip Hole. Go look at his.

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