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Military pain-ray to be directed at troublesome geese instead of protestors

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We’ve covered the pain ray before — millimeter wave radiation emitted from a dish that excites the water in the top layers of your skin. It heats you up something fierce, but technical issues and widespread protestation of the use of such a ridiculous weapon has forced the Pentagon to aim it at something a little less likely to complain: geese.

Now, if you’re in the northwest like me, you know that Canadian Canada geese, while great-looking birds and majestic creatures, are a huge pain in the ass. They bite kids, they crap all over the place, and they never stop honking. So while I normally don’t advocate shooting pain rays at animals, this is probably the best non-lethal way of making sure those things don’t come back.

Actually, the “avian denial system” would be used mainly at airports, to keep flocks of birds from interfering with takeoffs and landings. I just kind of wanted to get a dig in there against the geese.

I also happen to have a more lenient stance on its use than most people. It’s not like Dune’s pain box or something, it’s reportedly like touching a hot light bulb with your whole body, and you’re never hit for longer than a second (usually because you jump the hell out of there). Not that I want it to be deployed the next time I’m marching in support of this or that, but I don’t think it’s the death ray everyone thinks it is. What do you guys think?

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