Hey, buddy! Need a miniature optical format for media? It’s small, it can hold 1 gigabyte, and it uses a mechanical playback system. Sounds great, right?

Vmedia, who apparently slipped Laptop’s Joanna Stern some loopy juice in hopes of getting positive coverage, is trying to release a mini optical format that is about as big as an SD card and will cost somewhat (read: not much) less than standard flash media.

Will it fly? Absolutely not. First, people will want a DVD/CD optical drive – if they want a drive at all – not some half-assed version of UMD. Spice Mobile tried this in India with cellphones and I can’t imagine it turned out very well. Every few months a CE manufacturer looks at the numbers and says “We can make our shitty product into a value play. People with no money will buy it.” Wrong. People with no money don’t buy for value, they buy for longevity. If I’m on a set budget, I want the best that money can buy (which is what Sony and Samsung base their marketing strategies on, incidentally), and I don’t settle for also-ran tech like this.

I’m sorry, guys, but this is total garbage.